we've run out patience & run out of time ..

note to readers: this letter was written toward my ex as a result to the deterioration of our relationship . it will most likely never even been read by him, however i wrote it reqardless - simply to qet everythinq off my chest ..
smfh ! you know the fck whaat ? i have fckinq had it w| you & your immature little bullshit ; like deadass GROW THE FCK UP !!! no really . i am sick & tired of you btchinq abt the most insiqnificant bullshit, tryna make me feel like i'm a fckinq idiot all the time, & throwinq stupid shit in my face every sinqle day . but then qod fckinq forbid i btch abt anythinq - even the times when you know i have every riqht to - & it's the end of the mothafckinq universe ! like wtf do you seriously expect me to do ?! listen to you btch & whine abt everythinq & just sit there w my mouth shut ?! oh but then i'm the immature one, riqht ? & all i know how to do is start arquments ; but you can do noo wronq ? fckkk outtaa hereeee ! i'm soo sick of you tryna win every arqument & never admitinq, let alone apoloqizinq, when your wronq or made a mistake but yet havinq the nerve to constantly point out & btch abt every one of my flaws & throw my mistakes in my face . you never hear me doinq that shit to you ! & i don't qet mad over dumb bullshit cuz if i actually let every little shit qet to me, then i'd be abt to kill pretty much everybody - especially you ! you really need to learn that your actions speak waaay louder than your words cuz all you do is contradict yourself & it's bullshit & its old as fckkkk ! you tellinq me "you don't care" but then askinq me a million & one questions & then qettinq upset abt shit w i'm straiqht up w you is called carinqqq ! & then when you do qet tiqht but then tell me your "not mad" & yet your makinq a shitload of stupid ass cmnts & rantinq abt how much you don't care - newsflash : thaat is you beinq mad & i don't qive a fck how much you deny it . first off, it's called "don't ask, don't tell" aka if you don't want to know the honest answer to a question then don't fckinq ask . here's another newsflash : you . are . not . my . b o y f r i e n d . & yes i know we were still fckinq around & yes i am aware that the feelinqs were still there but the fact of the matter is just that .. soo on one hand we have YOU, mr does no wronq, talkinq to btch'sx on the fone & hittinq up all types of birds on myspace & qod knows where else & chillinq w them or whatever the fck you were doinq - but you notice how much i question you or mention them at all aka NEVER ? that is bcuz i do not want to fckinq know ! & honestly i can't say that i cared either way, not bcuz i don't care abt you, but bcuz of the simple fact that i am not your qirlfriend & so i have no riqht whatsoever to tell you wtf to do . you miqht say that means i must not really love you but no, it just means i'm mature enouqh to be loqical abt shit .. but anyways thennnn on the other hand we have me, who was onlyyy fckinq w you at the time (whether or not you'd like to believe so but if i was fckinq w someone else, trust that i would not have stayed w you) but then had you qoinq throuqh my fone all the time & qettinq tiqht when any of my quy friends hit me up & qod forbid you found out i was qonna chill w one of them .. like how fckinq hypocritical can you be ? you miqht say it's you don't trust me but first off niqqa lemme say that i don't trust you any more than you trust me . second off - you don't have to fckinq trust me simply bcuz of that one obvious reason that i will not repeat . & lastly - i am sick & tired of tryinq to qain your trust bcuz no matter how fckinq faithful i am i still qet treated as if i'm smuttin around anyways so really, wtf is the point . & you know what ? i am really over you throwinq that whole "me messinq w your friend" shit in my face .. me & you were not qoinq out & i do admit that it was fck'd up of me to do that w someone who was your friend (you see ? i actually own up to my mistakes) but other than one fact, that i don't reqret it . cuz instead of admitinq that you were the one who chased me away in the first place w all your bullshit, you've decided just to never let me live it down & then use it as an excuse for some additional bullshit . & i'm an idiot for actually allowinq you to & then thinkinq that one day you would just be able to see that i was still tryna hold you down despite the shit & that maybe one day you'd just let it qo . i've tryinq to be soo understandinq w you bcuz i do know that you were hurt so badly in the past & i believe that all of this your way of puttinq a biq ass wall around you so that you don't qet hurt aqain & as much as i want to tear it down, i've already put in almost 2yr's to tryinq & still i feel like there's barely been any proqress at all . but at this point i'm sure your askinq yourself why did i even bother ? & that's when i have to admit that i made the error of lettinq my wall down too quickly w you & as a result, for some reason unknown to me, i fell in love w you . throuqh these years we have been on & off, talkinq & then iqnorinq, time after time . i'm not qonna sit here & feed you some fairy tale bullshit & say that i love everythinq about you because i obviously don't but i will say that i love you soo much that my life feels like its missinq pieces without you . but what i need riqht now, is someone who appreciates me & the thinqs i do for them - even the little thinqs . someone who doesn't try to put me down, but raise me up & encouraqe me . someone who is understandinq, who i can talk to & vent to when i'm upset . someone who will do anythinq to make smile & do sweet little thinqs for me even on a random ass day . someone who won't try to pin all the blame on me when we aruqe but admit & take responsibility when they were wronq, someone who doesn't try to me dominant over me but qives me an equal role in the relationship .. & as badly i as i want that person to be you, there's a majorly huqe difference between that which i want & that which i need . i do not NEED you, or really anyone else for that matter . what i need is to focus on myself for now bcuz if i don't, apparently nobody else will . i will end this by sayinq that only qod knows what's in store for the future - whatever is meant to be will eventually be despite any circumstance or obstacles & everythinq will work out for the better . i only hope you learn & qrow from your mistakes bcuz you lost a qood one . i wish you the best & i do still love you ..

disturbia .

when i lay in my bed at niqht, my thoughts run soo wild that it keeps me up . its the only time i can truly shut out all interferences & influences; it is the time where ideas & emotions seem form out of thin air, without beinq provoked . its frustrates me because when i actually take some time out in my day to attempt to write, i feel as thouqh this severe & incurable case of writers block consumes me . maybe i'm tryinq too hard . maybe as i force myself to flip throuqh the paqes of my mind, i unintentionally close the book altoqether . at a time in my life when i tend to qet very lonely, i am soo desperate not to lose myself to depression as i have before . even durinq my darkest moments, my only consol was a pen & paper . i had a GIFT - everyone from my family, to my teachers, to close associates were aware of it . poems, short stories, school essays were all a breeze for me & my eloquence on paper didn't match my careless attitude in person soo i was always beinq accused of plaqiarizinq, beinq fake, or tryinq too hard to come across as formal . truth be told, i simply found it easier to express myself on paper than by speakinq, where my thouqhts tend to overwhelm me and i look for the riqht way to word thinqs .

however, as horribly juvenile as it may sound, since qraduatinq hiqh school, i have been more than reluctant to do or be involved with anythinq that could even remotley be associated with school work - which would of course include writinq . i'm afraid my mind has been steadily deterioratinq into a qiant blob of bullshit .. not meaninq that i've turned stupid, but that the brain hasn't been excersised in a hot minute . i quess that would be one of the main purposes in me creatinq this bloq; that & for me to air out my emotions & crazy thouqhts - kill two birds with one stone .

& i fiqure from now on, i'll make a habit of keepinq track of my thouqhts while i'm layinq in bed at niqht .. thank the lord for my sidekick =X


i ♥ creative minds .

i'm not broken; so don't try to fix me

okaay soo people are sayinq that i've chanqed & that's probably true . the once shy & quiet qirl who was waay too nice waay too often & afraid of what other people thouqht & said about her is lonq qone . in her place stands a [LADY] blunt & outspoken, stubborn & careless ; now i'm considered a btch but can you blame me ? the innocent can never last & i'm only a product of my environment - hate me ? join the club . i'm at a point in my life where i'm focusinq mostly on myself & what makes me happy cuz if don't nobody else will; those who don't like it can kick rocks . i do what i want when i want to & if you stand in my way theres likely to be trouble . i'm not always a btch but i am easily annoyed ; i amuse myself with my sarcasm soo if your overly sensitive or easily offended, you've been warned . when it comes down to it thouqh, i really am a naturally sweet person; hella od random with a qood sense of humor . i'm very easyqoin, not much fazes me & i brush shit off hella easy but that's not a qreen liqht to take advantaqe - i'm a firm believer in karma ; everythinq happens for a reason & whatever is meant to be will be despite whatever obstacles . i take chances & never have reqrets cuz at one point everythinq i did was exactly what i wanted soo you live & you learn, riqht ? i most definitley am not perfect & won't ever claim to be anywhere close . the two most important but suprisinqly rare qualities i respect in a person are individuality & authenticity - while you quys try to blend in i strive to stand out & nobody can ever accuse me of beinq fake ; soo say what you want cuz i know who the fck i am & i don't have to prove myself to anyone .