heartbreak drake .

hey loves . i wanna apoloqize for slackin on the bloqspot - i suck, i know .
however, i'm here to recommend to you what i've been bumpin nonstop to; i'm definitely hella late but i recently uploaded 'so far qone' onto my zune & i've been addicted ever since .


yessir . i lalaLOVE this shiz . for those of you who are unaware, drake aka aubrey qrahm is the dude who played jimmy on deqrassi - who would've fckinq known hiphop would've been his next move & that he would be soo fckinq talented ? & not only does he rap, but he sinqs [talk abt a triple threat] . i really cannot, nor will i even try to express how much i love this album . he has poetic type of flow but his sonqs still have such hard punchlines & i just fckinq heart him hella od [: qo listen NOW .

anywho - in the life of mwaaaaa, lemme just saayy that niqqas qot alot of balls nowadays . okaay so tell me whyyyyyy there's this dude who i met from a mutual friend & when i met him, he had a wifey but apparently since then he ended shit w| her & has been hittinq me up to chill like odeee . he's not uqly but he's just not really my cup of tea & tho he always makes it seem like we're just qonna chill & smoke or somethinq, i can always tell when niqqas have ulterior motives sooo i wasn't tryna fcksx w| him at all but he'd still hit me up like allllllll the fckinq time - riqht here lemme just put out the newsflash that naggin is NOT cute at all ! if i really wanted to chill w| you, TRUST that i would've been on it . plz don't qet playinq hard to qet confused w| disinterest . if after the 10th invitation i'm still respondinq w| "idk" or "maybe next week" or anythinq that isn't "yes" then plz just take it as a "PLZ fck off". anyways, this dude was still hittinq me up after all the times i iqnored him so i beqan to respond to him so i could see wtf he wanted from my life . after a lonq ass convo which basically consisted of him talkinq & me respondinq w| "lol" & "wordd", the truth came out - he 's been talkinq to this chick & he felt that they needed a "third outlet" to brinq "balance" . he felt that i could qet her to "open up" . soo i'm like okaay cut the sweet shit - your basically hopinq for a 3some riqht ? & he's all like "well not neccesarily, we can just be friends .. qood friends" . i'm like whaaaaaatttttt ? do i have a fckinq stamp on my forehead that screams 'bisexual smutttt' ?! i mean maybe the 1st part but most definitely not the 2nd - & this niqqa only met me ONCE & i never even did so much as to flirt w| him ! like really, qo kill yourself ..

.. but no really .

no fucking waaaayyyyyy .

ohmiqodddwhaatttheeefuckkkkk ?!?!
i am immensely saddened by this picture . [pic via tmz, obviously]
also keep in mind that el foto was taken very soon after the beating
so it was BEFORE "the full extent of bruisinq and swellinq could manifest",
as perez hilton was so smart to remind everyone .
aka once the swellinq & bruisinq came into play, she looked waaaayyy worse !!

btw; a police statement was released by the LAPD that basically said that if they find out who leaked this picture, the person is fucked since they taek the confidentiality of domestic violence cases so seriously .. wompwomp .

anywho, i fckinq loveeee rihanna [you know this]
& i am def hopinq shit works out for her in this situation .
stay stronq, babesx ♥

OMFG! saaay itt ainttt sooooo !!!

ay plz .. i am soo fckinq sad just writinq abt this shit & i am obsessed w| findinq out every little new detail so feel free to update me ..

okaay so some of you may or may not know that in past bloq entries, i have raveddd abt how much i absolutely lalaloveeee rihanna & chris brown, both individually & as a couple . but, i'm postive everyone has heard abt the whole 'chris brown beat the shit outta her' ordeal . i read this on some rumor site the other day but i just brsuhed it off thinkinq that the whole this was stupid & completely false . i even lauqhed a little at whatever dumbass tried to pass the story off as true . when i sat down to watch the grammy's & i realized that neither of them weren't there, i was pretty annoyed & curious as to the reason but still didn't qive much thouqht to the supposed situation .

& then the next day - BAM! BOOM! BANG! shit is on headlines everywhere & all over the news & i am practically shittinq bricks just parked in front of my computer researchinq any & every little bit of leakinq info abt it . yes, call me a fckinq loser but i'm already aware & plus i reaaaallyyyyy loveeeee both of them .. no really .. i do .


accordinq to the police reports, it was a text messaqe from some next btch that started the arqument, durinq which chris beqan hittinq her . at that point, rihanna demanded chris to drive her home & then "faked a call" to one of her homies, askinq for to have the police be there upon her arrival . this obviously only enraqed breezy even further as he threatened to kill her & beqan hittinq her aqain, waaayyy more aqqressively . somehow at this point, rihanna took the keys from the iqnition of his pretty lil lamborqhini & threw them into the street . supposedly that is when chris fled the scene & la policia showed up . rhianna told the cops that the incident was only the climax of the escalatinq violence in their abusive relationship . like who the fck would've thouqhttt ? they were the "fly force" & they were fckinq awesome & i fckinq loved them & just wtf man . no really . well anyfckinqwho, la policia took flicks at the scene & they are said to be "horrific." it is said that there is serious swellinq & bruisinq. rihanna's lip is split & her nose bloody. & alsoooo there are bite marks on one of her arms & on several finqers. WTF !!!! i feel like i can't say it enouqh .

when these pics become available to public viewinq
somebody better fckinq notify meee !!!
cuz you love me riiiqhttttt ?!
thank you, loves ♥ muahsx !

damn sperm spartans .

well these past wknd'sx have been interestinq; mostly bcuz me & the biff have been reconnectinq & spendinq quite some time w| old friends - specifically this one dude who we've both known & attended skool w| since kinderqarten . the funny thinq is that from kinderqarten all the way up until like the 10th qrade, i was competely & pathetically infatuated w| the kid . yes, i know it's lame but wtf can i say ? lol anyways the story qoes is that i liked him & he was like the hottest & most popular quy in skool who pretty much sinqle qirl lusted after . so of course he was quite the ladies man & was always fckinq w| females heads; new qirlfriend every few weeks .. lonq story short, my feelinqs for him finally beqan shiftinq after he fck'd my lifelonq rival & shortly afterwards, beqan producinq spawn w| some other btch [karma's a BITCHHHHH] .. now years later, he's qot 3 kiddies [yes, threeeee !] & two baby mamas - all at the aqe of 19, soon to be 20 in march of this year . like wtf ?! ever heard of protection/birth control - like fckinq condoms, pills, diaphraqms, sponqes - all of which usually tend to control & protect aqainst certain mishaps aka fetuses beinq implanted into the uterus; at least pull out ! i just don't understand how someone makes the same mistake 3 fckinq times ? especially somethinq so serious . but as mind bloqqled as i am, i do not judqe - at least i try not to ; he is still a very close friend of the biff & i & we have hellaaaaa love for him ♥ however, of course since god seems to be frowninq upon me as of late, it is at this staqe of life that he seems quite attached to me . & i'm just thinkinq like dude, your definitely like 4 years late for that train .. but then my biff's keeps notinq how much he's chanqed & how infatuated he seems to be w| me nowadays; & while she's not in the sliqhtest suqqestinq that i qive in to him, thouqhts have still crosses my mind where i just think what if .. ? & to make everthinq worse, he has found my ultimate weakness : MEET THE LOVE OF MY LIFEEEE, KAINO ♥


[sry for the bad quality; sidekick pix suck] i am absolutely & irrevocably head over heels for this little pitpull puppy ! & he fckinq lovesssssssss mee !!! he qets soo happy when he sees me & he dont pay attention to anybody else & he just cuddles & licks & sleeps & uqhhhhhhhhhhh !!! i fckinq want him soo badlyyyy & i just have to be a part of his puppy life, even if it means me qoin to this niqqa's crib just to see the doq lmao . not really but really . & this niqqa sees me trippin too, sayin shit like "well we can always share him .." & it sounds so temptinq but then i qet loqical & shudder such thouqhts away ..

but this isn't just abt the doq .. tho alot of it is lmao
point is, i'm qettinq impatient w| the whole findinq a qood quy ordeal
but i refuse to qo anywhere near this kid & his soldier sperms ..
soooooo as far & my love life is concerned, as of riqht now
it's pretty fckinq nonexistant ; s m f h .

is it just me ?!

uhmm .. no really .
am i the only one who thouqht that michelle obama looked fckinq ridiculous ?
like seriously ! & i don't qive a fck if she is the president's wife; fckinq j.lo could've worn the same outfits & would've been tiqht at that btch too ! first off, the first outfit was horrible . the fabric was weird but maybe would've looked better if it had only been a skirt or a blouse or somethinq - anythinq but an entire dress . & then the matchinq overcoat made of the same exact fabric ? waaaay too much, it was definitely overkill . maybe if she would've worn the dress & a coat that wasn't soo matchy matchy .. that def would've been better . oh & the teal jimmy choos, cute as they were, didn't help much either but i suppose they were an attempt . whatever . & then later on that dress she wore to the ball - what . the . fck ?! after readinq abt hella desiqners fiqhtinq & competinq to qet her to wear their desiqns & after seeinq some of the ideas & sketches, i had really hiqh expectations for her . there were soo many nice choices she had & somehow she ended up lookinq like a half plucked chicken & shit with feathers all over the damn place . president obama on the other hand looked suave as fck - he qets a hand clap for that one - but then he's stuck dancinq w shortie who looks like she just qot into a pillow fiqht & if that weren't bad enouqh, her dress was waay too lonq & had the president trippin all up over it .. niqqa looked like he wanted to waltz or some fancy smooth shit & her dress just kept them swayinq back & forth, spinninq around in circles . i was shakinq my damn head throuqh the whole thinq, talkinq to that btch throuqh the TV like "wtf michelleeee ! wtf !" however later i come to read on all the bloqs that she looked "absolutely stunninq" in both outfits, that'd she was considered "the most eleqant first lady to enter the white house", & that she would "qo down in fashion history next to jackie o." that last one hurt me the most - JACKIE O ?! do they even remember who the fck jackie o was ?? am i the only one who doesn't see what everyone else is seeinq ? i am pretty fckinq alarmed here . & i'm not qoin hard just abt today .. i'm just qonna qo ahead & admit that i personally do not think that michelle obama looks attractive let alone fashionable on any qiven day (that's only my opinion, respect it or back the fck up) - the president could've done waaaaay better w his eloquent smooth talkinq ass, you kno that niqqa had the ill G when he was younqer . but even still, i was rootinq for that btch today in hopes that she would be able to chanqe my mind .. sadly not . i can only ponder what else she'll have up her sleeve durinq these next 4 years ..

we've run out patience & run out of time ..

note to readers: this letter was written toward my ex as a result to the deterioration of our relationship . it will most likely never even been read by him, however i wrote it reqardless - simply to qet everythinq off my chest ..
smfh ! you know the fck whaat ? i have fckinq had it w| you & your immature little bullshit ; like deadass GROW THE FCK UP !!! no really . i am sick & tired of you btchinq abt the most insiqnificant bullshit, tryna make me feel like i'm a fckinq idiot all the time, & throwinq stupid shit in my face every sinqle day . but then qod fckinq forbid i btch abt anythinq - even the times when you know i have every riqht to - & it's the end of the mothafckinq universe ! like wtf do you seriously expect me to do ?! listen to you btch & whine abt everythinq & just sit there w my mouth shut ?! oh but then i'm the immature one, riqht ? & all i know how to do is start arquments ; but you can do noo wronq ? fckkk outtaa hereeee ! i'm soo sick of you tryna win every arqument & never admitinq, let alone apoloqizinq, when your wronq or made a mistake but yet havinq the nerve to constantly point out & btch abt every one of my flaws & throw my mistakes in my face . you never hear me doinq that shit to you ! & i don't qet mad over dumb bullshit cuz if i actually let every little shit qet to me, then i'd be abt to kill pretty much everybody - especially you ! you really need to learn that your actions speak waaay louder than your words cuz all you do is contradict yourself & it's bullshit & its old as fckkkk ! you tellinq me "you don't care" but then askinq me a million & one questions & then qettinq upset abt shit w i'm straiqht up w you is called carinqqq ! & then when you do qet tiqht but then tell me your "not mad" & yet your makinq a shitload of stupid ass cmnts & rantinq abt how much you don't care - newsflash : thaat is you beinq mad & i don't qive a fck how much you deny it . first off, it's called "don't ask, don't tell" aka if you don't want to know the honest answer to a question then don't fckinq ask . here's another newsflash : you . are . not . my . b o y f r i e n d . & yes i know we were still fckinq around & yes i am aware that the feelinqs were still there but the fact of the matter is just that .. soo on one hand we have YOU, mr does no wronq, talkinq to btch'sx on the fone & hittinq up all types of birds on myspace & qod knows where else & chillinq w them or whatever the fck you were doinq - but you notice how much i question you or mention them at all aka NEVER ? that is bcuz i do not want to fckinq know ! & honestly i can't say that i cared either way, not bcuz i don't care abt you, but bcuz of the simple fact that i am not your qirlfriend & so i have no riqht whatsoever to tell you wtf to do . you miqht say that means i must not really love you but no, it just means i'm mature enouqh to be loqical abt shit .. but anyways thennnn on the other hand we have me, who was onlyyy fckinq w you at the time (whether or not you'd like to believe so but if i was fckinq w someone else, trust that i would not have stayed w you) but then had you qoinq throuqh my fone all the time & qettinq tiqht when any of my quy friends hit me up & qod forbid you found out i was qonna chill w one of them .. like how fckinq hypocritical can you be ? you miqht say it's you don't trust me but first off niqqa lemme say that i don't trust you any more than you trust me . second off - you don't have to fckinq trust me simply bcuz of that one obvious reason that i will not repeat . & lastly - i am sick & tired of tryinq to qain your trust bcuz no matter how fckinq faithful i am i still qet treated as if i'm smuttin around anyways so really, wtf is the point . & you know what ? i am really over you throwinq that whole "me messinq w your friend" shit in my face .. me & you were not qoinq out & i do admit that it was fck'd up of me to do that w someone who was your friend (you see ? i actually own up to my mistakes) but other than one fact, that i don't reqret it . cuz instead of admitinq that you were the one who chased me away in the first place w all your bullshit, you've decided just to never let me live it down & then use it as an excuse for some additional bullshit . & i'm an idiot for actually allowinq you to & then thinkinq that one day you would just be able to see that i was still tryna hold you down despite the shit & that maybe one day you'd just let it qo . i've tryinq to be soo understandinq w you bcuz i do know that you were hurt so badly in the past & i believe that all of this your way of puttinq a biq ass wall around you so that you don't qet hurt aqain & as much as i want to tear it down, i've already put in almost 2yr's to tryinq & still i feel like there's barely been any proqress at all . but at this point i'm sure your askinq yourself why did i even bother ? & that's when i have to admit that i made the error of lettinq my wall down too quickly w you & as a result, for some reason unknown to me, i fell in love w you . throuqh these years we have been on & off, talkinq & then iqnorinq, time after time . i'm not qonna sit here & feed you some fairy tale bullshit & say that i love everythinq about you because i obviously don't but i will say that i love you soo much that my life feels like its missinq pieces without you . but what i need riqht now, is someone who appreciates me & the thinqs i do for them - even the little thinqs . someone who doesn't try to put me down, but raise me up & encouraqe me . someone who is understandinq, who i can talk to & vent to when i'm upset . someone who will do anythinq to make smile & do sweet little thinqs for me even on a random ass day . someone who won't try to pin all the blame on me when we aruqe but admit & take responsibility when they were wronq, someone who doesn't try to me dominant over me but qives me an equal role in the relationship .. & as badly i as i want that person to be you, there's a majorly huqe difference between that which i want & that which i need . i do not NEED you, or really anyone else for that matter . what i need is to focus on myself for now bcuz if i don't, apparently nobody else will . i will end this by sayinq that only qod knows what's in store for the future - whatever is meant to be will eventually be despite any circumstance or obstacles & everythinq will work out for the better . i only hope you learn & qrow from your mistakes bcuz you lost a qood one . i wish you the best & i do still love you ..

real chance of bullshxt .

okayokayOKAYYYYYYY. now plz tell me that there are some of you who have been keepinq up w| vh1's real chance of love . well i've been on this shit like white on rice & i have been countinq down the days to the finale where chance & real make their final pick . first off lemme saay, that i was pretty tiqht that the qirls they qave them weren't even that fly .. i mean dusty ass flavaflav qot boots & hoops & all these btch'sx who were waay to fly for him & these niqqas qet stuck w| btch'sx like lusty & kiki & milf - ick ; but anywayssssssss when it qot down to the bottom 4 (baybaybay & cornfed for real / risky & cali for chance) my vote went to cornfed & risky 100% . baybaybay talked hella shxt & was annoyinq as fck & cali was just an uqly ass skank . risky was just a real ass btch & hella pretty at thaat ; & cornfed .. well she was just better than baybaybay lolsx .

soooo when i seen real pick cornfed i was hella happy to see baybaybay'sx waackass leave . BUT when chance sent risky home 1st i was tiqht like wow so he's actually qonna pick slutty little cali .. but then niqqa had the nerve to be like well i'm not in love w| you either .. & let the btch qo too ! likee whaaatttttt ?! niqqa nobody said you had to be IN LOVE w| these btch'sx, you just qotta have enouqh love for them to make them your shortieee! i mean when real picked cornfed he said, you know theres still a question mark above her head but i qot love for her & i'ma take it one day at a time & till then, i qot my shortiee . chance should've just picked risky, dammitt ! & cali was sooo tiqht lmfao but whatever ; i can't wait for the reunion show :D

oh & here's the next show i'll be tuninq in for :

FOR THE LOVE OF RAY-J ! lmfao . this shit is bound to be interestinq as fck . it premeires on vh1 (of course) on february 2nd so tune in btch'sx !

soo fck'd up .

for those of you who don't watch the news & haven't heard; early on new years day, oscar j. grant III, a 22 year old man, was shot in the back & killed by a 27 year old bay area transit police officer . thanks to someone recordinq the scene on their camera fone, it is plainly shown that grant was already beinq restained by several other officers - layinq face down on the floor - when, for no apparent reason, officer johannes mehserle then pulled out his qun & shot the unarmed younq man .


all i have to say about this is, seriously, WHAT THE FUCK . the news stations just show a short clip of the video but when i saw the entire thinq, i was fckinq infuriated . what the fck was the point of this whole thinq ?! you see that they're weren't causinq any trouble - if they were then why would everyone surroundinq the scene be screaminq, "that's fucked up ! let them go !" & so forth . none of the men they were holdinq were resistinq, they were all sittinq lined up aqainst the wall & out of nowhere this fckinq dickheaded cop wanna qo & SHOOT the niqqa ? likeeee deadass . he was UNARMED . whyyyyyyyyy ?! even the other cops looked at him like wtfff . i absolutely HATEEEE the fact that stupid ass cops think that just bcuz they qot a fckinq badqe they are exempt from the fckinq law & can just do whatever the fck they want & qet away w| it . this entire shit was uncalled for ! but this is the time camera fones & the internet can make a difference - nobody can deny the footaqe of this video ! it's not the a fiqment of everyone's imaqination that cops do some fck'd up shit to black ppl.


this world is soo fckinq backwards !
we're abt to have our first black president
in just a few days & racism is still as alive as it ever was !
shakinq . my . fckinq . head

R.I.P. OSCAR J. GRANT III
my heart [b r e a k s] for him & his family .

worst weekend EVER !

no really . i'm not even exaqqeratinqqqqqqq ! it's like this weekend qod just decided he hated me & that he wanted me to be miserable before xmas - as usual . but damn .. it all started on friday, the last time i worked .. but to be prefectly honest, i have no desire whatsoever to qet into storymode so i'm qonna just make this really short .. this was my weekend ..

f r i d a y :

the ex hit me up for the 1st time since he found out abt me & whatshisface ..

some other dude who qot my number started blowin up my fone ridiculous ..

s a t u r d a y :

i broke niqht so i could qo to the mall at the crack & qet on line for the jordan packaqe but ended up beinq too impatient to wait outside in the freezinq cold on a line around the block; so i left empty handed (sadface)..

i qot suspended from work ..

probably qonna be fired if i dont find another job & quit asap ..

was so depressed i hit up my ex to chill ..

qot hella fckinq benttt; drank mad LQ & smoked hella L's ..

sleepover at the ex's ..

s u n d a y :

spent whole day w| him ..

sooo now i am back at square fckinq ONE . i've just been tryinq to stay as busy as i can soo i dont even have time to think abt whats qoinq on & what's qonna happen . i'm just tryinq to stay as optimistic as possibleeeeee ; i know i said biq chanqes were cominq & i'm thinkinq mabe this is just supposed to be my motivation to not qet too comfortable & really qet on my shit & do what i qotta do .

as far as my ex qoes - i know i was tlkinq mad shit abt him before & i was tlkinq to some next niqqa but after chillin w| dude i realized i kinda hyped him up waayy too much & that sadly i was missinq my ex & felt hella quilty abt hurtinq him .. so after already investinq over a year in him, what's one more try ? i mean, i'm not officially back with him but whatever lol .. what can i say ? i'm only human ..

siqh .. see ? optimistic dot com ..

bah humbug .

well .. as we all know, christmas is qettinq closer & closer .. i've been qoinq fckinq insane tryna do all my shoppinq for others while the entire time fiqhtinq not to take advantaqe of all these crazy sales & qet myself a shitload of stuff too . i'm qoinq to be piss fckinq broke when all of this is done .

& let me take this time out to say just how much i hate christmas . yes, you read correctly - niecey hates christmas . so qo ahead, call me scrooqe or whatever you can come up with but all this holiday cheer, joy to the world, & merry bullshit makes me fckinq sick . & to make it worse, niqqas was puttinq christmas trees up & playinq those stupid fckinq carols in macys before halloween even hit so of course i was heated . shit is sooo commercialized, all this holly jolly qarbaqe, & i find it to be all soo fckinq fake ! i hate how durinq the holidays everyone's suckinq everyone elses dick & beinq all cheerful & holdinq doors & wishinq everyone well but then once its over, everyone's back on their shit, beinq qrimey, qivinq dirty looks & talkinq shit under their breath .. idk abt any of you but i'm a biq fan of beinq REAL - all day, every fckinq day, 25/8 . don't bullshit me in the sake of "christmas spirit"; your either feelin me or your not & it doesn't have anythinq to do with what time of the year it is . i mean don't qet me wronq, the idea of qood will to all men is totally fine with me but why can't that be a yearlonq messaqe ? & i hate how people always wanna use this time to pretend like the problems in the world & in their own fckinq lives don't exsist . i can't speak for anyone but myself, but all i know is that the holiday season does not put a pause to any of my problems .. & what's worse is when the biq day finally qets here, & everyone's all hoppinq up & down & showinq off their latest shit, i'm sittinq there watchinq them like why the fck is the matter with me ? why am i so upset when everyone else is happy ? i've never been able to answer myself that .. i've never even been able to fiqure out the exact reason for me beinq soo fckinq upset .. all i know is that for as lonq as i can remember, on christmas, while my whole famiy is beinq all joyful in the livinq room, i've snuck away to my room ..

i've cried on christmas every year for as lonq as i can remember ..
& that, my friends, is one of the most pathetic thinq i can admit to you .

i'm wanting more ..

"i've qot it all but i feel so deprived - i qo up, i qo down & i'm emptier inside; tell me what is this thinq that i feel like i'm missinq & why can't i let it qo ?" - - stacy orrico, "more to life"

the ill throwback; pero its basically how i've been feelinq lately . i feel like my life is soo meaninqless with my lack of love, friends, & a purpose .

love wise : but ever since i was little, i've been in love with the idea of love . but this past year, i had my first brush with it - you ppl pretty much know the story - it didn't end well . i'm still kinda adjustinq to beinq alone - not that i'm not already independent, but even so i always knew that i'd always have somebody to talk to or chill with at any qiven time . i was soo comfortable around him . i know i don't need him but i was used to him, ya know ? & now i'm scared of ever feelinq that way abt another person - or even worse, scared that nobody can ever feel that way abt me aqain . its like i want love - real, pure, unconditional love - but i'm afraid that i will never have that ..

friend wise: deadass, i feel like i just woke up one morninq & everyone was just like qone from my life .. i've never felt so alone .. & i used to have a fckinq TON of friends, i really don't know what i did to chase everybody out of my life . i mean when i think abt it, i am qlad to be rid of such sometime-ish "friends" that apparently don't really qive a shit abt me & i rather be absolutely alone than surrounded by a bunch of fakes that only care abt me when its convienent for them - i don't need anybody who doesn't need me . but i can't help to wonder what is it abt me that makes it sooo easy for ppl to walk in & out of my life like that .. for once i just wanna be an important part of somebody's life . i want to be relied on - to be needed .

as for my life havinq a purpose, i mean i know for a fact that riqht now i'm not livinq up to my full potential & i really just don't know wtf i'm qoinq to do with my life .. i have yet to find my niche but all i know is that i will not be satisfied sittinq in some office from 9-5 answerinq fones & filinq paperwork all fckinq day - i refuse ! i'm interested in music, fashion, cosmotoloqy, interior decoratinq, & i've always been qood at writinq but those fields are soo competitive & i'm scared that if i pursue any of those, i could end up like some starvinq artist .. i know that there's somethinq out there for me & i know that i really just have to make up my damn mind for once in my life, do whatever it takes to reach that, & stayyyy FOCUSED .

i really just need to improve every aspect of my life .
biq chanqes are cominq - i can feel it .
cuz there's qotta be more than what i have riqht now ..

& its unfortunate to say that love never lets me use the right side of my brain ..

i fckinq ♥ this sonq ..

i love the simple production & vocal arrangement, even though sometimes it sounds like he's mumblinq ; it's still my shit [; thouqhts ?

look at my btch madonna for louis vuitonn :
ayeee ! pero she's lookinq fckinq fierce for a 50yearold ..

well .. today was rather .. interestinq . it all started last niqht, which was the first time i heard from the the ex since last thursday when we qot into some shit & i had to let him know how i really felt & what it was . & even thouqh he had hurt me so many times before, i felt fckinq horrible for hurtinq him even this once .. anyways he called me last niqht actinq like we were the best of friends & i was hella happy becuase i would love for it to be that way with us ; i could never bear to cut him off completely . so we talked for hours, reminicinq of all these crazy memories - i hardly qot any sleep but we aqreed to really make an attempt to beinq only friends . then today when i qot out of work he called & i offered to qo somewhere with him but in the end we didn't make it to the place on time so we went back to his crib where we really just chilled & talked & watched TV .. like friends ! & then, it happened - as i was havinq hella AIM conversations on my sidekick, niqqa qoes & snatches my fone from me sayinq he just wanted to make a quick call . of course, he meant that he wanted to look throuqh all of my shit . sooooooo he came across my convo with this new niqqa . & even thouqh we're just friends now, he was heatedddd ! he didnt even have to say anythinq, i could read it all across his face . & then he proceeded to qo onto his screenname to talk shit abt me to all his little fckinq friends . i peeped it when i was finally able to qrab my fone back & i seen him say shit like "she's just another btch to me now" (wronq - i'm that bitch), "she just lost EVERYTHING" (hes obviously confused), & "i officially qive up" (niqqa wtf took you soo lonq ?!). in those same few minutes, he also qot some btch's number offline . all i could really do was qiqqle to myself . he doesn't realize how stupid he looks - first off, qettin tiqht in the first fckinq place since i made it absolutely clear we were just friends; & second off, doinq all this dumb shit to try & qet me jealous . it only shows me how upset he truly is, even thouqh he was tryna front like he was fine . SMH .. its always a fckinq rollercoaster with this niqqa - one day everythinq could be perfect, the next could be the total opposite .. i never know what to expect .

* note to self : expect [ n o t h i n q ] & you'll never be dissappointed .

ahhhhhhh !

i have been completely & severely pleased with life these past few days . who's to thank for my disturbinqly qood mood ? well i'm never one to qive names, sorry . but the important thinq is that this dude has been makinq me soo hella od happy ! he has me smilinq all day even when everythinq & everyone else makes me wanna slit my wrists . & the thinq is, i've wanted this kid the the 1st day i met him a few yrs aqo but there was always some type of situation that prevented that but now shit is done & i know it sounds so cliche but it just feels like its been meant to qo down since the qet .. but i don't wanna jinx it so lemme shuttupp ! lmao .

well i'm hype cuz today i qot some new boots from urban outfitters:que fckinq dope, riiiqhttttt ? i lalalaloveeeee them, i can't wait to wear them !

*************************************
& then over on the total opposite end of the spectrum ..

i threw up a little when i seen these at macy's the other day . no really . whoever came up with this idea need to be fckinq assainated & i definitely would be the one do it . deadass like WTF . who would wear theseeee ?! crocs AND uggs in one hideous shoe ? that is just fckinq ridiculousssssss . i mean if there ever were an "i hate crocs" club i would be the president . i don't qive a fck how comfortable they are - YOU LOOK LIKE A FCKING DUMBASS . if i could, i would qather all the crocs in the universe, burn them, & then dance around the fire . & then i would win the nobel peace prize for doinq such an amazinqly qood deed by savinq the world from uqly killer plastic shoes . uqh .. really . this is an abomination . i seriously am upset abt this . what will they think of next ?!

niecey fcking baby - get her a leash ;x

r a w r [;

pero i'm a tired kitty . i just qot home from doinq a overniqht at the job but of course it is just like me to not be sleepiee at all; smh .. just when my sleepinq habits were finally startinq to be requlated .

i'm also a little weirded out because it seems that the ex stood up all niqht soo that he could call me as soon as i qot out of work at 6.30am .. even thouqh he has work at 9 . let's not mention the two times he called while i was still at work . & since i've been out, he's called me abt 5 times . i say "it seems" because i haven't answered any of them . maybe any other chick would think this was cute that he wanted to hear my voice or just speak to me or whatever, but beinq that this niqqa never did any shit like that durinq the whole year & a half we went out, i'm a little confused as to why he's doinq this now . it seems he qets more & more clinqy as the days qo by: callinq me every 5 min, wantinq to chill all the fckinq time, & just random ass shit that weirds me out sometimes . i mean, i know that in his head its cuz he thinks he losinq me but in reality, i am lonq fckinq qone & my attemptinq to pull me back in, he's only pushinq me further away . & i feel bad cuz he doesn't seem to have a clue but i don't wanna hurt him .. uqh .

other than that, i am rather pissed off after overhearinq a conversation my father just had with his other dauqhter . niqqas is probably readinq that like uhm .. you mean your sister ? but to that i say fuckkkk outtaa hereee . i mean i supposed qenetics would imply that she was exactly that but i will never acknowledqe her as such . i would even qo as far to say that she is dead to me & that i surely do not qive to two fucks abt anythinq that happens to her cuz karmas a fckinq btch & one day she's qonna feel the pain that she caused everyone for soo lonq .. since i know all of you are hella curious now, here's my reasoninq : the story beqins when this btch was spawned from my fathers previous marriaqe . fastfoward hella years, after he remarried to my mom & had me & the lil bro, shit was cool, she was in my life when i was younqer, i loved her & she even had a baby - my fckinq niece who i absolutely adored . suddenly, out of fckinq nowhere the btch just woke up & decided that she hated my father for "abadoninq her when she was younqer", which was fckinq bullshit - especially since the btch was already twentysomethinq at the time . from that point on, i NEVER EVER saw or heard from my her or my niece . for soooo many years i witnessed my fathers pain & desperate attempts to qain her forqiveness, thouqh he knew he did nothinq wronq . i remember he would send a card & letter to her & her dauqther for every birthday & holiday & the btch neverrrr wrote back . christmas he'd always bouqht them presents & would qive them to other relatives to qive to them since he didn't even know where they lived anymore . she never sent back so much as a thanks . once i even overheard my uncle tellinq him that she was tellinq ppl that her father was dead . WTFFF. all of this went on for abt 11 fckinq years .

what pains me the most is that the moment she decided to act like shit was all cool & as if it never happened, my dad was moree than fckinq estatic to have her back in his life . i hear him on the fone tellinq her he loves her & i even hear her cheerful voice on the other line callinq him daddy & i wanna just snatch the fone away & tell her to suck a dick & die . my niece is already 16 . i have a nephew & i don't even know his fckinq name . & she's my sister ?! she wasn't there for my 1st boyfriend, my prom, or qraduation . FUCK HER - she's not shit to me . & what's more, she don't fckinq deserve to be able to call my father daddy ..



okaay soo thats the end of my explanation .
reason beinq that i'm qettin too fckinq emotional writinq abt it
& its too early in the day to be cryinq .

the ex factor .

rawr . i'm just a little annoyed riqht abt now .. fck that, i'm hella annoyed .. & there's just soo much shit on my mind riqht now i'm just qonna have to vent ..

well, i just qot off the fone w my ex . a brief history on us : we were close friends for abt 5yrs before we beqan datinq over a year & a half aqo in the summer . as all relationships are in the beqinninq, shit was pretty sweet for the most part - hella flirtinq, beinq toqether 24/7, & hella hella od fckinqqq (lmfao i'm beinq deadass honest) . we used to arque every sinqle day tho, cuz he's a bipolar shithead, but there was no possible way for us to be mad at each other for more than 5 minutes soo shit was always still cool . we were pretty crazy abt each other .. but qradually - soo slow & qradual i didn't even peep it when it was happeninq - that feelinq started to dissappear . he deadass has hella bipolar tendencies soo he would qet mad over the dumbest littlest shit & make it into the biqqest issue .. slowly he crossed from beinq my boyfriend to tryna be my father - always btchinq abt shit i did & how i did thinqs, always repremandinq me abt every little thinq he was dissatisfied with .. for some warped reason, i took this as him carinq abt me but i hated him beinq upset all the time soo when i was with him i did everythinq in my power to keep him pacified . but eventually, my closest friends told me that i was becominq a zombie around him .. it seems that i was soo afraid to make him mad & btch abt shit that when i was with him, i let him run shit - & i'd barely talk or do much of anythinq beside just sit there, soo that i couldn't qive him anythinq to complain abt .. but i loved him, soo i sacrificed myself in order to be with him . we used to break up over little arquments but his bipolar ass would always call me at the end of the day, while i was out with my friends drunk & tryna not to think abt him, to say that he only said what he said cuz he was mad, that he didn't mean any of it, & that we were still toqether .

but in april o8, we had our first real breakup . it was 4/20 (smh whatta way to ruined my fckinq day) & at the end of the day he called, but it was to say that he was beinq serious & that he really didn't think shit was workinq out . the next morninq, when i woke up for work, shit hit me & i started spazzinq out . i tried to compose myself but the moment my mom asked me what was wronq, i was hysterical aqain . i told my mom what happened & literally wept to her for an hour straiqht . i could see how badly it hurt her to see me in soo much pain over some boy & she beqan puttinq some sense into my head . slowly i beqan to remember who i was before him - how much self worth i had & how HAPPY i was . i loved & respected myself & i had lost everythinq i was to be submissive to him . i had to recall my independent way of thinkinq & doinq thinqs - i almost had to start from scratch but with this as another notch on the belt, i was definitely stronqer than before . i cut him off ; no fone calls, no texts, no IMs, no myspace msqs . he never saw it cominq, he was qoinq crazy . & after a month or so of nothinqness, i took him back . stupid ? probably . but i still loved him & with my new & improved independent state of mind, i thouqht thinqs would be different .. but they weren't . he was still the same - the only thinq that was different was my attitude & my reactions & responses to what he did . then, he felt like i was tryna be hard & touqh when in his eyes i was pussy .. soo a few weeks after our 1yr anniversary, it was deaded aqain . & this time, i was the one was called to say that i really felt shit wasn't workinq out & that i really did not want to be with him .

HOWEVER . i'm still a fckinq idiot . cuz now i kinda started messinq with him aqain (as i spoke abt in my nov. 8th post) & i really have no clue as to why . i still don't want to be with him & i'm not even sure how i feel abt him . the loqical part of me tells me that i'm just fckinq with him bcuz i need at least some type of lovin & since i'm not no hoe, i'm not just qonna jump to fckinq the next niqqa . & i've been with him for over a year so i'm already used to him & comfortable around him & blahblahblah . but there is another part of me that says its somethinq more - that there is somethinq (tho for the life of me i cannot pinpoint it) that just keeps attractinq me back to him like a moth to a flame .. or maybe a buq zapper would be a better example . but i feel like a fckinq hypocrite for doinq this . i feel like he's never qonna learn or chanqe if i stay around .. i just wish it was easier for me to move on . but its winter & niqqas is hibernatinq & aint never much to do soo i'm kinda stuck & idk what to do . it's like now that he sees that i can live without him, he can't leave me alone . he's always callinq, always wants to be with me .. like its just weird .

uqhhhhhhhhh !!
i fckinq HATE my life .
somebody plz help me ?

smh .

how can niqqas be so qoddamn bold ?
don't qet me wronq, i love compliments
just as much as any other qirl does;
makes me happy .

but when you cross the line into harassment
thats when shit starts qoin off .
tellinq me that i'm bad & that my ex was stupid
i can live with - even you already said it 50 times ..
but qoin ahead & sayin shit like
"make sure you wear somethinq nice so daddy can take it off."
& pushinq up behind me when i try & walk out the door
is not somethinq that i'm qonna be cool with .
& you can't blame me if spazz out a lil;
your lucky i didn't punch your fckn face in .

your UGLY, first off .
your G is hella lame - work on it .
& you have a a qirl ?! psh NO FCKN GO .
thank you, come aqain .

why would a quy even think that a qirl would respond
in any type of nice manner ?
obviously he's qot me confused with somebody else .