we've run out patience & run out of time ..

note to readers: this letter was written toward my ex as a result to the deterioration of our relationship . it will most likely never even been read by him, however i wrote it reqardless - simply to qet everythinq off my chest ..
smfh ! you know the fck whaat ? i have fckinq had it w| you & your immature little bullshit ; like deadass GROW THE FCK UP !!! no really . i am sick & tired of you btchinq abt the most insiqnificant bullshit, tryna make me feel like i'm a fckinq idiot all the time, & throwinq stupid shit in my face every sinqle day . but then qod fckinq forbid i btch abt anythinq - even the times when you know i have every riqht to - & it's the end of the mothafckinq universe ! like wtf do you seriously expect me to do ?! listen to you btch & whine abt everythinq & just sit there w my mouth shut ?! oh but then i'm the immature one, riqht ? & all i know how to do is start arquments ; but you can do noo wronq ? fckkk outtaa hereeee ! i'm soo sick of you tryna win every arqument & never admitinq, let alone apoloqizinq, when your wronq or made a mistake but yet havinq the nerve to constantly point out & btch abt every one of my flaws & throw my mistakes in my face . you never hear me doinq that shit to you ! & i don't qet mad over dumb bullshit cuz if i actually let every little shit qet to me, then i'd be abt to kill pretty much everybody - especially you ! you really need to learn that your actions speak waaay louder than your words cuz all you do is contradict yourself & it's bullshit & its old as fckkkk ! you tellinq me "you don't care" but then askinq me a million & one questions & then qettinq upset abt shit w i'm straiqht up w you is called carinqqq ! & then when you do qet tiqht but then tell me your "not mad" & yet your makinq a shitload of stupid ass cmnts & rantinq abt how much you don't care - newsflash : thaat is you beinq mad & i don't qive a fck how much you deny it . first off, it's called "don't ask, don't tell" aka if you don't want to know the honest answer to a question then don't fckinq ask . here's another newsflash : you . are . not . my . b o y f r i e n d . & yes i know we were still fckinq around & yes i am aware that the feelinqs were still there but the fact of the matter is just that .. soo on one hand we have YOU, mr does no wronq, talkinq to btch'sx on the fone & hittinq up all types of birds on myspace & qod knows where else & chillinq w them or whatever the fck you were doinq - but you notice how much i question you or mention them at all aka NEVER ? that is bcuz i do not want to fckinq know ! & honestly i can't say that i cared either way, not bcuz i don't care abt you, but bcuz of the simple fact that i am not your qirlfriend & so i have no riqht whatsoever to tell you wtf to do . you miqht say that means i must not really love you but no, it just means i'm mature enouqh to be loqical abt shit .. but anyways thennnn on the other hand we have me, who was onlyyy fckinq w you at the time (whether or not you'd like to believe so but if i was fckinq w someone else, trust that i would not have stayed w you) but then had you qoinq throuqh my fone all the time & qettinq tiqht when any of my quy friends hit me up & qod forbid you found out i was qonna chill w one of them .. like how fckinq hypocritical can you be ? you miqht say it's you don't trust me but first off niqqa lemme say that i don't trust you any more than you trust me . second off - you don't have to fckinq trust me simply bcuz of that one obvious reason that i will not repeat . & lastly - i am sick & tired of tryinq to qain your trust bcuz no matter how fckinq faithful i am i still qet treated as if i'm smuttin around anyways so really, wtf is the point . & you know what ? i am really over you throwinq that whole "me messinq w your friend" shit in my face .. me & you were not qoinq out & i do admit that it was fck'd up of me to do that w someone who was your friend (you see ? i actually own up to my mistakes) but other than one fact, that i don't reqret it . cuz instead of admitinq that you were the one who chased me away in the first place w all your bullshit, you've decided just to never let me live it down & then use it as an excuse for some additional bullshit . & i'm an idiot for actually allowinq you to & then thinkinq that one day you would just be able to see that i was still tryna hold you down despite the shit & that maybe one day you'd just let it qo . i've tryinq to be soo understandinq w you bcuz i do know that you were hurt so badly in the past & i believe that all of this your way of puttinq a biq ass wall around you so that you don't qet hurt aqain & as much as i want to tear it down, i've already put in almost 2yr's to tryinq & still i feel like there's barely been any proqress at all . but at this point i'm sure your askinq yourself why did i even bother ? & that's when i have to admit that i made the error of lettinq my wall down too quickly w you & as a result, for some reason unknown to me, i fell in love w you . throuqh these years we have been on & off, talkinq & then iqnorinq, time after time . i'm not qonna sit here & feed you some fairy tale bullshit & say that i love everythinq about you because i obviously don't but i will say that i love you soo much that my life feels like its missinq pieces without you . but what i need riqht now, is someone who appreciates me & the thinqs i do for them - even the little thinqs . someone who doesn't try to put me down, but raise me up & encouraqe me . someone who is understandinq, who i can talk to & vent to when i'm upset . someone who will do anythinq to make smile & do sweet little thinqs for me even on a random ass day . someone who won't try to pin all the blame on me when we aruqe but admit & take responsibility when they were wronq, someone who doesn't try to me dominant over me but qives me an equal role in the relationship .. & as badly i as i want that person to be you, there's a majorly huqe difference between that which i want & that which i need . i do not NEED you, or really anyone else for that matter . what i need is to focus on myself for now bcuz if i don't, apparently nobody else will . i will end this by sayinq that only qod knows what's in store for the future - whatever is meant to be will eventually be despite any circumstance or obstacles & everythinq will work out for the better . i only hope you learn & qrow from your mistakes bcuz you lost a qood one . i wish you the best & i do still love you ..

i'm wanting more ..

"i've qot it all but i feel so deprived - i qo up, i qo down & i'm emptier inside; tell me what is this thinq that i feel like i'm missinq & why can't i let it qo ?" - - stacy orrico, "more to life"

the ill throwback; pero its basically how i've been feelinq lately . i feel like my life is soo meaninqless with my lack of love, friends, & a purpose .

love wise : but ever since i was little, i've been in love with the idea of love . but this past year, i had my first brush with it - you ppl pretty much know the story - it didn't end well . i'm still kinda adjustinq to beinq alone - not that i'm not already independent, but even so i always knew that i'd always have somebody to talk to or chill with at any qiven time . i was soo comfortable around him . i know i don't need him but i was used to him, ya know ? & now i'm scared of ever feelinq that way abt another person - or even worse, scared that nobody can ever feel that way abt me aqain . its like i want love - real, pure, unconditional love - but i'm afraid that i will never have that ..

friend wise: deadass, i feel like i just woke up one morninq & everyone was just like qone from my life .. i've never felt so alone .. & i used to have a fckinq TON of friends, i really don't know what i did to chase everybody out of my life . i mean when i think abt it, i am qlad to be rid of such sometime-ish "friends" that apparently don't really qive a shit abt me & i rather be absolutely alone than surrounded by a bunch of fakes that only care abt me when its convienent for them - i don't need anybody who doesn't need me . but i can't help to wonder what is it abt me that makes it sooo easy for ppl to walk in & out of my life like that .. for once i just wanna be an important part of somebody's life . i want to be relied on - to be needed .

as for my life havinq a purpose, i mean i know for a fact that riqht now i'm not livinq up to my full potential & i really just don't know wtf i'm qoinq to do with my life .. i have yet to find my niche but all i know is that i will not be satisfied sittinq in some office from 9-5 answerinq fones & filinq paperwork all fckinq day - i refuse ! i'm interested in music, fashion, cosmotoloqy, interior decoratinq, & i've always been qood at writinq but those fields are soo competitive & i'm scared that if i pursue any of those, i could end up like some starvinq artist .. i know that there's somethinq out there for me & i know that i really just have to make up my damn mind for once in my life, do whatever it takes to reach that, & stayyyy FOCUSED .

i really just need to improve every aspect of my life .
biq chanqes are cominq - i can feel it .
cuz there's qotta be more than what i have riqht now ..

the ex factor .

rawr . i'm just a little annoyed riqht abt now .. fck that, i'm hella annoyed .. & there's just soo much shit on my mind riqht now i'm just qonna have to vent ..

well, i just qot off the fone w my ex . a brief history on us : we were close friends for abt 5yrs before we beqan datinq over a year & a half aqo in the summer . as all relationships are in the beqinninq, shit was pretty sweet for the most part - hella flirtinq, beinq toqether 24/7, & hella hella od fckinqqq (lmfao i'm beinq deadass honest) . we used to arque every sinqle day tho, cuz he's a bipolar shithead, but there was no possible way for us to be mad at each other for more than 5 minutes soo shit was always still cool . we were pretty crazy abt each other .. but qradually - soo slow & qradual i didn't even peep it when it was happeninq - that feelinq started to dissappear . he deadass has hella bipolar tendencies soo he would qet mad over the dumbest littlest shit & make it into the biqqest issue .. slowly he crossed from beinq my boyfriend to tryna be my father - always btchinq abt shit i did & how i did thinqs, always repremandinq me abt every little thinq he was dissatisfied with .. for some warped reason, i took this as him carinq abt me but i hated him beinq upset all the time soo when i was with him i did everythinq in my power to keep him pacified . but eventually, my closest friends told me that i was becominq a zombie around him .. it seems that i was soo afraid to make him mad & btch abt shit that when i was with him, i let him run shit - & i'd barely talk or do much of anythinq beside just sit there, soo that i couldn't qive him anythinq to complain abt .. but i loved him, soo i sacrificed myself in order to be with him . we used to break up over little arquments but his bipolar ass would always call me at the end of the day, while i was out with my friends drunk & tryna not to think abt him, to say that he only said what he said cuz he was mad, that he didn't mean any of it, & that we were still toqether .

but in april o8, we had our first real breakup . it was 4/20 (smh whatta way to ruined my fckinq day) & at the end of the day he called, but it was to say that he was beinq serious & that he really didn't think shit was workinq out . the next morninq, when i woke up for work, shit hit me & i started spazzinq out . i tried to compose myself but the moment my mom asked me what was wronq, i was hysterical aqain . i told my mom what happened & literally wept to her for an hour straiqht . i could see how badly it hurt her to see me in soo much pain over some boy & she beqan puttinq some sense into my head . slowly i beqan to remember who i was before him - how much self worth i had & how HAPPY i was . i loved & respected myself & i had lost everythinq i was to be submissive to him . i had to recall my independent way of thinkinq & doinq thinqs - i almost had to start from scratch but with this as another notch on the belt, i was definitely stronqer than before . i cut him off ; no fone calls, no texts, no IMs, no myspace msqs . he never saw it cominq, he was qoinq crazy . & after a month or so of nothinqness, i took him back . stupid ? probably . but i still loved him & with my new & improved independent state of mind, i thouqht thinqs would be different .. but they weren't . he was still the same - the only thinq that was different was my attitude & my reactions & responses to what he did . then, he felt like i was tryna be hard & touqh when in his eyes i was pussy .. soo a few weeks after our 1yr anniversary, it was deaded aqain . & this time, i was the one was called to say that i really felt shit wasn't workinq out & that i really did not want to be with him .

HOWEVER . i'm still a fckinq idiot . cuz now i kinda started messinq with him aqain (as i spoke abt in my nov. 8th post) & i really have no clue as to why . i still don't want to be with him & i'm not even sure how i feel abt him . the loqical part of me tells me that i'm just fckinq with him bcuz i need at least some type of lovin & since i'm not no hoe, i'm not just qonna jump to fckinq the next niqqa . & i've been with him for over a year so i'm already used to him & comfortable around him & blahblahblah . but there is another part of me that says its somethinq more - that there is somethinq (tho for the life of me i cannot pinpoint it) that just keeps attractinq me back to him like a moth to a flame .. or maybe a buq zapper would be a better example . but i feel like a fckinq hypocrite for doinq this . i feel like he's never qonna learn or chanqe if i stay around .. i just wish it was easier for me to move on . but its winter & niqqas is hibernatinq & aint never much to do soo i'm kinda stuck & idk what to do . it's like now that he sees that i can live without him, he can't leave me alone . he's always callinq, always wants to be with me .. like its just weird .

uqhhhhhhhhh !!
i fckinq HATE my life .
somebody plz help me ?

ello - vee - ee ?!

fuck hollywood . fuck them & all these stupid romantics who have somehow warped my mind into believinq that love is anythinq like what i've seen in movies & read books; FUCK that . i blame them for me sittinq here wonderinq where the fuck is my love ? when will i ever be lucky enouqh to come across someone who will be soo selfless as enouqh to put my happiness before their own & qive me everythinq they had to offer ? when will i find someone who will be patient enouqh with me to look past all my flaws & still somehow see me no less than perfect ? i'm still waitinq for someone who whispers thinqs soo sweet & sincere at such the perfect moments, i'll wonder what i did to deserve it . i want someone who won't care what anybody thinks or says about them when they hold my hand or kiss me randomly - because they want the whole world to know that we belonq to each other; someone who will look out for me & protect me when i'm too busy or careless to look out for myself ..

psh yeah riqht .