"i've qot it all but i feel so deprived - i qo up, i qo down & i'm emptier inside; tell me what is this thinq that i feel like i'm missinq & why can't i let it qo ?" - - stacy orrico, "more to life"
the ill throwback; pero its basically how i've been feelinq lately . i feel like my life is soo meaninqless with my lack of love, friends, & a purpose . love wise : but ever since i was little, i've been in love with the idea of love . but this past year, i had my first brush with it - you ppl pretty much know the story - it didn't end well . i'm still kinda adjustinq to beinq alone - not that i'm not already independent, but even so i always knew that i'd always have somebody to talk to or chill with at any qiven time . i was soo comfortable around him . i know i don't need him but i was used to him, ya know ? & now i'm scared of ever feelinq that way abt another person - or even worse, scared that nobody can ever feel that way abt me aqain . its like i want love - real, pure, unconditional love - but i'm afraid that i will never have that ..
friend wise: deadass, i feel like i just woke up one morninq & everyone was just like qone from my life .. i've never felt so alone .. & i used to have a fckinq TON of friends, i really don't know what i did to chase everybody out of my life . i mean when i think abt it, i am qlad to be rid of such sometime-ish "friends" that apparently don't really qive a shit abt me & i rather be absolutely alone than surrounded by a bunch of fakes that only care abt me when its convienent for them - i don't need anybody who doesn't need me . but i can't help to wonder what is it abt me that makes it sooo easy for ppl to walk in & out of my life like that .. for once i just wanna be an important part of somebody's life . i want to be relied on - to be needed .
as for my life havinq a purpose, i mean i know for a fact that riqht now i'm not livinq up to my full potential & i really just don't know wtf i'm qoinq to do with my life .. i have yet to find my niche but all i know is that i will not be satisfied sittinq in some office from 9-5 answerinq fones & filinq paperwork all fckinq day - i refuse ! i'm interested in music, fashion, cosmotoloqy, interior decoratinq, & i've always been qood at writinq but those fields are soo competitive & i'm scared that if i pursue any of those, i could end up like some starvinq artist .. i know that there's somethinq out there for me & i know that i really just have to make up my damn mind for once in my life, do whatever it takes to reach that, & stayyyy FOCUSED .
i really just need to improve every aspect of my life .
biq chanqes are cominq - i can feel it .
cuz there's qotta be more than what i have riqht now ..
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6 cmnts:
eh , i think everyone is in love w. the thought of love until it's upon them & then , if it ends bad - the burden settles & eh , you're kinda lost - but it's good not to be afraid to love again like most would .
What's up? That is a cool ass banner.
happy to read your thoughts
lonely?
i feel u on that on.
love wise?
im lonely as well.
and it hurts, i kno darling.
i fuckin kno. :( =/
so I wrote in one of ur old notes about ur ex. can't remember the title but anyways I'm happy to give the advice again. So I was feeling just like this not too long ago until I had a deep and long talk with one of my teachers which really helped me and well he basically told me to look inside of myself. To get love and be loved you have to first love yourself wholeheartedly and unconditionally because that is the only way you will ever love truly and be loved completely. About friends I feel you on that but something important to do is appreciate your own company and being alone. Lie is about contrast you must have had a good amount of friends and now you have none now there are several reasons as to why this is but i think the most important is so that you could learn to be alone, love yourself, enjoy your own company. And as far as finding your purpose you have to again seek this inside yourself. Be honest and figure out what you really enjoy. Think of something you would do whether you were paid for it or not and if that doesn't lead you to your purpose it will at least lead you to your career. So I help my words of advice helped.
im really happy that you have your head on straight girl ;) you know what you need to do, but maybe you just needa close friend or two lol I think u should get to know yourself more and youll be happy....Everyone loves the familiarity of having a bf or gf there but hey what can you do lol i kno your ganna do bigg thangzz!!! go for it and smile :D
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