i'm wanting more ..

"i've qot it all but i feel so deprived - i qo up, i qo down & i'm emptier inside; tell me what is this thinq that i feel like i'm missinq & why can't i let it qo ?" - - stacy orrico, "more to life"

the ill throwback; pero its basically how i've been feelinq lately . i feel like my life is soo meaninqless with my lack of love, friends, & a purpose .

love wise : but ever since i was little, i've been in love with the idea of love . but this past year, i had my first brush with it - you ppl pretty much know the story - it didn't end well . i'm still kinda adjustinq to beinq alone - not that i'm not already independent, but even so i always knew that i'd always have somebody to talk to or chill with at any qiven time . i was soo comfortable around him . i know i don't need him but i was used to him, ya know ? & now i'm scared of ever feelinq that way abt another person - or even worse, scared that nobody can ever feel that way abt me aqain . its like i want love - real, pure, unconditional love - but i'm afraid that i will never have that ..

friend wise: deadass, i feel like i just woke up one morninq & everyone was just like qone from my life .. i've never felt so alone .. & i used to have a fckinq TON of friends, i really don't know what i did to chase everybody out of my life . i mean when i think abt it, i am qlad to be rid of such sometime-ish "friends" that apparently don't really qive a shit abt me & i rather be absolutely alone than surrounded by a bunch of fakes that only care abt me when its convienent for them - i don't need anybody who doesn't need me . but i can't help to wonder what is it abt me that makes it sooo easy for ppl to walk in & out of my life like that .. for once i just wanna be an important part of somebody's life . i want to be relied on - to be needed .

as for my life havinq a purpose, i mean i know for a fact that riqht now i'm not livinq up to my full potential & i really just don't know wtf i'm qoinq to do with my life .. i have yet to find my niche but all i know is that i will not be satisfied sittinq in some office from 9-5 answerinq fones & filinq paperwork all fckinq day - i refuse ! i'm interested in music, fashion, cosmotoloqy, interior decoratinq, & i've always been qood at writinq but those fields are soo competitive & i'm scared that if i pursue any of those, i could end up like some starvinq artist .. i know that there's somethinq out there for me & i know that i really just have to make up my damn mind for once in my life, do whatever it takes to reach that, & stayyyy FOCUSED .

i really just need to improve every aspect of my life .
biq chanqes are cominq - i can feel it .
cuz there's qotta be more than what i have riqht now ..

superBAD .

lmfaooo ! i could watch this fckn movie time & time aqain & still lauqh my ass off . seth is the shit; evan is hella virqinal & hilarious & mclovin is my baby daddy - seriously . me & the biffinqton can qet hellaa od bent & quote this movie all fckn daay, word to motherrrr !

anywhoo it's like 2.30am & i'm hella awake & bored outta my ass since eveyone else seems to be sleepinq; que waack . this weekend was fun, spendinq it once aqain with the biffinqton & kuku . there was a bitt of drama in the beqinninq with the couplee (they qet so overdramatic sometimes) but they qot over it & we chilled at chrizzo's crib qettin riqhtttt; i brouqht a bottle of yaqermeizer which i had never drank before soo me & dee took hella shots & topped it off with hella coronas & L's, music blaastinqq - wooppwoopp qood timeeee =D

the other niqhtt me & dee were up all fckn niqht talkinq abt how much our lives suck lol . i mean, of course we have to count our blessinqs since there are soo many others thaat are worse off but as the 20 yr mark draws nearer & the seconds tick by, we both realize that we really need to step our fckn qame up; we have the tendency to shruq everythinq off in life like fuckkkk ittt alllll & we've qotten ridiculously lazy . so we decided it was abt time we attempt to reinvent ourselves in time for the new year . now, when i say reinvent ourselves, i don't mean how we actually are as ppl cuz lord knows there have been those who have tried to do just that but i will never compromise who i am for shitttt . however, we do need to qet focused on our futures & our careers, cuz we all know a btch is trynaaa staack her $$$ ! soo anyways we're qonna make ourselves over - both physically & mentally - in hopes of easinq us into this entire new mindset . ooh & we've come up with to do lists .

• stretch everday (qotta stay limber; can't turn into a qranny just yet - i qot thinqs to do !)
  
• take a womans multivitamin daily (cuz there has to be a way to make up for all the munchiessss)
  
• qo tanninq (no worries, i'm rican; no lindsay lohan oranqe skin over hereeee )
  
• qet another piercinq (i'm thinkinq my lower lip)
  
• requlate sleepinq habits (cuz riqht now completly nocturnal)
  
• clean my fckn room (seriously, its in unspeakable ruins)
  
• qet a SECOND job (cash rules everythinq around me, btchs)
  
• qet my permit (which would lead to my license & then my own car)
  
• qet a mothafckn tattoo (bcuz sadly i am 19 & still have zip, zelch, zero, NADAAA ; que lameee)
  
• do my hairrrr (trim, anqles, banqs, recolor, maybe blue streaks =D haa cuz i'm fckn cool)

okay okay okay soo i'm sure you quys are readinq this like wtf is this dumb btch talkinq abt ?! whaat the fck does ANY of this shit have to do with chanqinq your mindset ?! well basically, we fiqure if we switch some of the more basic shit up, we'll be able to associate the chanqes with our new focused mindsets ... diqq me ?

uqh . idk . whatever . don't ask .

& on thaat note, let me just say
2oo9 is sure to be quite an interestinq yr ...
me & the biffinqton are an unstoppable force
like power ranqers =D

& we do shit like this all the time .