well these past wknd'sx have been interestinq; mostly bcuz me & the biff have been reconnectinq & spendinq quite some time w| old friends - specifically this one dude who we've both known & attended skool w| since kinderqarten . the funny thinq is that from kinderqarten all the way up until like the 10th qrade, i was competely & pathetically infatuated w| the kid . yes, i know it's lame but wtf can i say ? lol anyways the story qoes is that i liked him & he was like the hottest & most popular quy in skool who pretty much sinqle qirl lusted after . so of course he was quite the ladies man & was always fckinq w| females heads; new qirlfriend every few weeks .. lonq story short, my feelinqs for him finally beqan shiftinq after he fck'd my lifelonq rival & shortly afterwards, beqan producinq spawn w| some other btch [karma's a BITCHHHHH] .. now years later, he's qot 3 kiddies [yes, threeeee !] & two baby mamas - all at the aqe of 19, soon to be 20 in march of this year . like wtf ?! ever heard of protection/birth control - like fckinq condoms, pills, diaphraqms, sponqes - all of which usually tend to control & protect aqainst certain mishaps aka fetuses beinq implanted into the uterus; at least pull out ! i just don't understand how someone makes the same mistake 3 fckinq times ? especially somethinq so serious . but as mind bloqqled as i am, i do not judqe - at least i try not to ; he is still a very close friend of the biff & i & we have hellaaaaa love for him ♥ however, of course since god seems to be frowninq upon me as of late, it is at this staqe of life that he seems quite attached to me . & i'm just thinkinq like dude, your definitely like 4 years late for that train .. but then my biff's keeps notinq how much he's chanqed & how infatuated he seems to be w| me nowadays; & while she's not in the sliqhtest suqqestinq that i qive in to him, thouqhts have still crosses my mind where i just think what if .. ? & to make everthinq worse, he has found my ultimate weakness : MEET THE LOVE OF MY LIFEEEE, KAINO ♥
[sry for the bad quality; sidekick pix suck] i am absolutely & irrevocably head over heels for this little pitpull puppy ! & he fckinq lovesssssssss mee !!! he qets soo happy when he sees me & he dont pay attention to anybody else & he just cuddles & licks & sleeps & uqhhhhhhhhhhh !!! i fckinq want him soo badlyyyy & i just have to be a part of his puppy life, even if it means me qoin to this niqqa's crib just to see the doq lmao . not really but really . & this niqqa sees me trippin too, sayin shit like "well we can always share him .." & it sounds so temptinq but then i qet loqical & shudder such thouqhts away ..
but this isn't just abt the doq .. tho alot of it is lmao point is, i'm qettinq impatient w| the whole findinq a qood quy ordeal but i refuse to qo anywhere near this kid & his soldier sperms .. soooooo as far & my love life is concerned, as of riqht now it's pretty fckinq nonexistant ; s m f h .
it is rumored that my two loves, katy perry & travis mccoy have split :[ wompwomp . no word on whaat happened & on travie's bloq he doesn't discuss any specifics pero bits of whaat he writes qive some insiqht ..
"We fight every night, now that’s not kosher I reminisce with bliss of when we was closer And wake up to be greeted by an argument again You act like you’re ten So immature, I try to concentrate on a cure And keep lookin’ at the front door Thinkin’ if I were to evacuate You’d probably be straighter than straight And wouldn’t have so much hate ‘Cause you don’t know the pain I feel when I see you smilin’ And when I roll up you start wilin’ So I front like everything’s hunky-dory But it’s a whole different story You don’t like the fact that I’m me I don’t put on a show When it comes time for you to have company And your friends don’t understand your choice of man They speak proper while my speech is from a gargabe can But regardless, you shouldn’t have to be so raw I’m lookin’ at the front door .."
que fckinq sad, they really were a cute match ..
pero anywhooo yesterday i had hella fun chillinqton w| my boobie, tiny ♥ ain't she dopeee [: we was just roaminq around everywhere; first the island, then downtown bk, & then finally times square . it was crazy cuz we're both retarded & we kept qettinq lost on the trains cuz neither of us were really payinq attention to where we were qoinq; at one point we almost ended up in the bronx until i'm like uhm where are we ? then we realized we took the train in the wronq direction & had to tranfer . l m a o ; pero i lalalove this puppiee & we be chillin like fckinq villans .
"i've qot it all but i feel so deprived - i qo up, i qo down & i'm emptier inside; tell me what is this thinq that i feel like i'm missinq & why can't i let it qo ?" - - stacy orrico, "more to life"
the ill throwback; pero its basically how i've been feelinq lately . i feel like my life is soo meaninqless with my lack of love, friends, & a purpose .
love wise : but ever since i was little, i've been in love with the idea of love . but this past year, i had my first brush with it - you ppl pretty much know the story - it didn't end well . i'm still kinda adjustinq to beinq alone - not that i'm not already independent, but even so i always knew that i'd always have somebody to talk to or chill with at any qiven time . i was soo comfortable around him . i know i don't need him but i was used to him, ya know ? & now i'm scared of ever feelinq that way abt another person - or even worse, scared that nobody can ever feel that way abt me aqain . its like i want love - real, pure, unconditional love - but i'm afraid that i will never have that ..
friend wise: deadass, i feel like i just woke up one morninq & everyone was just like qone from my life .. i've never felt so alone .. & i used to have a fckinq TON of friends, i really don't know what i did to chase everybody out of my life . i mean when i think abt it, i am qlad to be rid of such sometime-ish "friends" that apparently don't really qive a shit abt me & i rather be absolutely alone than surrounded by a bunch of fakes that only care abt me when its convienent for them - i don't need anybody who doesn't need me . but i can't help to wonder what is it abt me that makes it sooo easy for ppl to walk in & out of my life like that .. for once i just wanna be an important part of somebody's life . i want to be relied on - to be needed .
as for my life havinq a purpose, i mean i know for a fact that riqht now i'm not livinq up to my full potential & i really just don't know wtf i'm qoinq to do with my life .. i have yet to find my niche but all i know is that i will not be satisfied sittinq in some office from 9-5 answerinq fones & filinq paperwork all fckinq day - i refuse ! i'm interested in music, fashion, cosmotoloqy, interior decoratinq, & i've always been qood at writinq but those fields are soo competitive & i'm scared that if i pursue any of those, i could end up like some starvinq artist .. i know that there's somethinq out there for me & i know that i really just have to make up my damn mind for once in my life, do whatever it takes to reach that, & stayyyy FOCUSED .
i really just need to improve every aspect of my life . biq chanqes are cominq - i can feel it . cuz there's qotta be more than what i have riqht now ..
y e s s i r r . this weekend has the potential to be the waackest of my life beinq that everyone in lametown usa (aka staten island) seems to have forqotten about my very exsistence but whatever, i'm over it . throuqh it all i've always had my biffinqton, the best friend i've ever had, & she is exactly like me in every way ( besides physically ) with my exact mindset & i fckinq love it . when i'm feelinq like no one in the world understands me & that i'm truly all alone, it's fckinq awesome that i can just turn to her & we'll be on the same paqe every sinqle time . anyways, yesterday i went over to qood ol' bklyn to chill with her, klever (her bf - pero i call him kuku), & his homeboy . we was relaxinq in the crib of course blowinq hellaaaaaa od piff - i was maad fckinq bent - & watchinq movies . fyi : WANTED ( thaat action flick with anqelina jolie ) was hella fckinq poppin; makinq me wanna be an assasin & start killinq niqqas & curvinq bullets & shit .. hmmmm ...
today i went shoppinq with the biffinqton & her mami [: of course had hella fun qoin crazy in public, beinq all loud & actinq stupid . ohh & we tried on church hats ! sexy, riqht ? lmao . sadly, once we hit all the stores, it was time for me to return back to lametown *sad face* .
sadly, no amount of spendinq seems to quench my hunqer for new shit . there are just many thinqs that catchinq my eye lately & unless there is somebody to restrict me, i find myself willinq to blow entire paychecks on my many desires . & to make it worse, of course i qotta be the one to have expensive taste . desiqner heels, fresh kicks, baqs & purses, & of couse clothes & accessories to match, jewlery, plus all these different electronic qadqets i need . & i am soooo not patient enouqh to wait until christmas !
anyways the two main pairs of kicks i qot my eyes on are these:
FILA !!! i fckinq must have the purple ones .
& always on my jordan shit, the packaqe beinq released on dec20 features the 11's & 12's .. i can't wait [:
of course i would be here for aqes if i listed ALLLLLL the thinqs i wanted so i'll quite while i'm ahead .
** oh & for all the late kiddies, brooklyn go hard is a dope new track by my niqqa jayz featurinq santiqold . if you haven't heard it, check it out riqht here (sorry; the clean version was the only one i could find ) >:[
uhm did i miss somethinq ? i'm almost positive i did . i feel like i just woke up one morninq & everyone was just like qone from my life .. i've never felt so alone .
so i'm cuttinq off all these sometime-ish "friends" i have thaat don't really qive a shit abt me .. i rather be absolutely alone than surrounded by a bunch of fakes that only care abt me when its convienent for them, diqq me ?
i swear to qod i'm still here . & i'm only human; i have feelinqs . i lonely & i cry .. a lot . while everyones pretendinq i don't exsist anymore, i'm still here - i didn't just fall off the face of this earth; i'm just tired of havinq to remind ppl of that .
for once i just wanna be an important part of somebody's life . i want to be relied on; to be needed .
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