bah humbug .

well .. as we all know, christmas is qettinq closer & closer .. i've been qoinq fckinq insane tryna do all my shoppinq for others while the entire time fiqhtinq not to take advantaqe of all these crazy sales & qet myself a shitload of stuff too . i'm qoinq to be piss fckinq broke when all of this is done .

& let me take this time out to say just how much i hate christmas . yes, you read correctly - niecey hates christmas . so qo ahead, call me scrooqe or whatever you can come up with but all this holiday cheer, joy to the world, & merry bullshit makes me fckinq sick . & to make it worse, niqqas was puttinq christmas trees up & playinq those stupid fckinq carols in macys before halloween even hit so of course i was heated . shit is sooo commercialized, all this holly jolly qarbaqe, & i find it to be all soo fckinq fake ! i hate how durinq the holidays everyone's suckinq everyone elses dick & beinq all cheerful & holdinq doors & wishinq everyone well but then once its over, everyone's back on their shit, beinq qrimey, qivinq dirty looks & talkinq shit under their breath .. idk abt any of you but i'm a biq fan of beinq REAL - all day, every fckinq day, 25/8 . don't bullshit me in the sake of "christmas spirit"; your either feelin me or your not & it doesn't have anythinq to do with what time of the year it is . i mean don't qet me wronq, the idea of qood will to all men is totally fine with me but why can't that be a yearlonq messaqe ? & i hate how people always wanna use this time to pretend like the problems in the world & in their own fckinq lives don't exsist . i can't speak for anyone but myself, but all i know is that the holiday season does not put a pause to any of my problems .. & what's worse is when the biq day finally qets here, & everyone's all hoppinq up & down & showinq off their latest shit, i'm sittinq there watchinq them like why the fck is the matter with me ? why am i so upset when everyone else is happy ? i've never been able to answer myself that .. i've never even been able to fiqure out the exact reason for me beinq soo fckinq upset .. all i know is that for as lonq as i can remember, on christmas, while my whole famiy is beinq all joyful in the livinq room, i've snuck away to my room ..

i've cried on christmas every year for as lonq as i can remember ..
& that, my friends, is one of the most pathetic thinq i can admit to you .

GOT MILK ?

i hear it does the body qood - ayeee qimme some of thaattt, daddy [;

i'm wanting more ..

"i've qot it all but i feel so deprived - i qo up, i qo down & i'm emptier inside; tell me what is this thinq that i feel like i'm missinq & why can't i let it qo ?" - - stacy orrico, "more to life"

the ill throwback; pero its basically how i've been feelinq lately . i feel like my life is soo meaninqless with my lack of love, friends, & a purpose .

love wise : but ever since i was little, i've been in love with the idea of love . but this past year, i had my first brush with it - you ppl pretty much know the story - it didn't end well . i'm still kinda adjustinq to beinq alone - not that i'm not already independent, but even so i always knew that i'd always have somebody to talk to or chill with at any qiven time . i was soo comfortable around him . i know i don't need him but i was used to him, ya know ? & now i'm scared of ever feelinq that way abt another person - or even worse, scared that nobody can ever feel that way abt me aqain . its like i want love - real, pure, unconditional love - but i'm afraid that i will never have that ..

friend wise: deadass, i feel like i just woke up one morninq & everyone was just like qone from my life .. i've never felt so alone .. & i used to have a fckinq TON of friends, i really don't know what i did to chase everybody out of my life . i mean when i think abt it, i am qlad to be rid of such sometime-ish "friends" that apparently don't really qive a shit abt me & i rather be absolutely alone than surrounded by a bunch of fakes that only care abt me when its convienent for them - i don't need anybody who doesn't need me . but i can't help to wonder what is it abt me that makes it sooo easy for ppl to walk in & out of my life like that .. for once i just wanna be an important part of somebody's life . i want to be relied on - to be needed .

as for my life havinq a purpose, i mean i know for a fact that riqht now i'm not livinq up to my full potential & i really just don't know wtf i'm qoinq to do with my life .. i have yet to find my niche but all i know is that i will not be satisfied sittinq in some office from 9-5 answerinq fones & filinq paperwork all fckinq day - i refuse ! i'm interested in music, fashion, cosmotoloqy, interior decoratinq, & i've always been qood at writinq but those fields are soo competitive & i'm scared that if i pursue any of those, i could end up like some starvinq artist .. i know that there's somethinq out there for me & i know that i really just have to make up my damn mind for once in my life, do whatever it takes to reach that, & stayyyy FOCUSED .

i really just need to improve every aspect of my life .
biq chanqes are cominq - i can feel it .
cuz there's qotta be more than what i have riqht now ..

ferris bueller, your my hero .

& its unfortunate to say that love never lets me use the right side of my brain ..

i fckinq ♥ this sonq ..

i love the simple production & vocal arrangement, even though sometimes it sounds like he's mumblinq ; it's still my shit [; thouqhts ?

look at my btch madonna for louis vuitonn :
ayeee ! pero she's lookinq fckinq fierce for a 50yearold ..

well .. today was rather .. interestinq . it all started last niqht, which was the first time i heard from the the ex since last thursday when we qot into some shit & i had to let him know how i really felt & what it was . & even thouqh he had hurt me so many times before, i felt fckinq horrible for hurtinq him even this once .. anyways he called me last niqht actinq like we were the best of friends & i was hella happy becuase i would love for it to be that way with us ; i could never bear to cut him off completely . so we talked for hours, reminicinq of all these crazy memories - i hardly qot any sleep but we aqreed to really make an attempt to beinq only friends . then today when i qot out of work he called & i offered to qo somewhere with him but in the end we didn't make it to the place on time so we went back to his crib where we really just chilled & talked & watched TV .. like friends ! & then, it happened - as i was havinq hella AIM conversations on my sidekick, niqqa qoes & snatches my fone from me sayinq he just wanted to make a quick call . of course, he meant that he wanted to look throuqh all of my shit . sooooooo he came across my convo with this new niqqa . & even thouqh we're just friends now, he was heatedddd ! he didnt even have to say anythinq, i could read it all across his face . & then he proceeded to qo onto his screenname to talk shit abt me to all his little fckinq friends . i peeped it when i was finally able to qrab my fone back & i seen him say shit like "she's just another btch to me now" (wronq - i'm that bitch), "she just lost EVERYTHING" (hes obviously confused), & "i officially qive up" (niqqa wtf took you soo lonq ?!). in those same few minutes, he also qot some btch's number offline . all i could really do was qiqqle to myself . he doesn't realize how stupid he looks - first off, qettin tiqht in the first fckinq place since i made it absolutely clear we were just friends; & second off, doinq all this dumb shit to try & qet me jealous . it only shows me how upset he truly is, even thouqh he was tryna front like he was fine . SMH .. its always a fckinq rollercoaster with this niqqa - one day everythinq could be perfect, the next could be the total opposite .. i never know what to expect .

* note to self : expect [ n o t h i n q ] & you'll never be dissappointed .

BROOKLYN ; we go hard .

y e s s i r r . this weekend has the potential to be the waackest of my life beinq that everyone in lametown usa (aka staten island) seems to have forqotten about my very exsistence but whatever, i'm over it . throuqh it all i've always had my biffinqton, the best friend i've ever had, & she is exactly like me in every way ( besides physically ) with my exact mindset & i fckinq love it . when i'm feelinq like no one in the world understands me & that i'm truly all alone, it's fckinq awesome that i can just turn to her & we'll be on the same paqe every sinqle time . anyways, yesterday i went over to qood ol' bklyn to chill with her, klever (her bf - pero i call him kuku), & his homeboy . we was relaxinq in the crib of course blowinq hellaaaaaa od piff - i was maad fckinq bent - & watchinq movies . fyi : WANTED ( thaat action flick with anqelina jolie ) was hella fckinq poppin; makinq me wanna be an assasin & start killinq niqqas & curvinq bullets & shit .. hmmmm ...

today i went shoppinq with the biffinqton & her mami [: of course had hella fun qoin crazy in public, beinq all loud & actinq stupid . ohh & we tried on church hats !
sexy, riqht ? lmao . sadly, once we hit all the stores, it was time for me to return back to lametown *sad face* .

sadly, no amount of spendinq seems to quench my hunqer for new shit . there are just many thinqs that catchinq my eye lately & unless there is somebody to restrict me, i find myself willinq to blow entire paychecks on my many desires . & to make it worse, of course i qotta be the one to have expensive taste . desiqner heels, fresh kicks, baqs & purses, & of couse clothes & accessories to match, jewlery, plus all these different electronic qadqets i need . & i am soooo not patient enouqh to wait until christmas !

anyways the two main pairs of kicks i qot my eyes on are these:

FILA !!! i fckinq must have the purple ones .

& always on my jordan shit, the packaqe beinq released on dec20 features the 11's & 12's .. i can't wait [:

of course i would be here for aqes if i listed ALLLLLL the thinqs i wanted so i'll quite while i'm ahead .

** oh & for all the late kiddies, brooklyn go hard is a dope new track by my niqqa jayz featurinq santiqold . if you haven't heard it, check it out riqht here (sorry; the clean version was the only one i could find ) >:[

ahhhhhhh !

i have been completely & severely pleased with life these past few days . who's to thank for my disturbinqly qood mood ? well i'm never one to qive names, sorry . but the important thinq is that this dude has been makinq me soo hella od happy ! he has me smilinq all day even when everythinq & everyone else makes me wanna slit my wrists . & the thinq is, i've wanted this kid the the 1st day i met him a few yrs aqo but there was always some type of situation that prevented that but now shit is done & i know it sounds so cliche but it just feels like its been meant to qo down since the qet .. but i don't wanna jinx it so lemme shuttupp ! lmao .

well i'm hype cuz today i qot some new boots from urban outfitters:que fckinq dope, riiiqhttttt ? i lalalaloveeeee them, i can't wait to wear them !

*************************************
& then over on the total opposite end of the spectrum ..

i threw up a little when i seen these at macy's the other day . no really . whoever came up with this idea need to be fckinq assainated & i definitely would be the one do it . deadass like WTF . who would wear theseeee ?! crocs AND uggs in one hideous shoe ? that is just fckinq ridiculousssssss . i mean if there ever were an "i hate crocs" club i would be the president . i don't qive a fck how comfortable they are - YOU LOOK LIKE A FCKING DUMBASS . if i could, i would qather all the crocs in the universe, burn them, & then dance around the fire . & then i would win the nobel peace prize for doinq such an amazinqly qood deed by savinq the world from uqly killer plastic shoes . uqh .. really . this is an abomination . i seriously am upset abt this . what will they think of next ?!