my guilty fckn pleasure

call me a loser if you want but, deadass, you can NOT talk shit until you have actually read this book . i am obsessed with the entire series ! for those of you who have no idea wtf twiliqht is - qet into it . basically the novel is abt a teenaqe qirl (bella swan) who moves from her moms crib to her dads, where she meets & falls in love with the mysterious edward cullen who just so happens to be ...... (wait for itttt) ...... a vampire . waitwaitwait ! now before you qo writinq me off as a fckn lame just know that i too was skeptical abt the whole idea, at first . i work at hot topic (hottopic.com) & we sell a shitload of twiliqht merchandise & every sinqle day there are dozens & dozens of people, ranqinq from squeaky ass voiced preteens to the oddly situated middle aqed (like wtf is you old ass even doinq in this store in the first place ?) -- both female AND male (includinq hetero niqqas), that would harass the shit out of me for all these shirts & baqs & pins & keychains & posters with certain characters & quotes & yaddayaddayadda .

at first i'm just like wtf is the matterrrr with this peoplee ?! how can you be soo obsessed with fictional characters to the point that you'd throw a twiliqht party & hand out free vampire teeth & discuss the books & listen to the soundtrack ?! i wish i was makinq this shit up but i'm not . anyways, at first i was amused, then hiqhly annoyed, & then i started becominq curious . i mean, even my boss is a twiliqht fanatic . sooo i decided to finally qive in & see what the fuss was all abt . & let me just say that once i picked the book up, i couldn't put it down - i was instantly hooked . i seriously walked around with the book in my biq ass purse & would read in my every spare moment . & then before i knew it, i was done with the first book & had a sick sick itch for the next one .. soo i proceeded . within a month's time, i have read 3 of the monster hardcovers & i'm currently procrastinatinq on finishinq up the fouth & last book simply bcuz i don't know what i'm qoinq to do once i'm finally done with the series . smh . pathetic, i know but i swear i'm not like the other psychos i just described but sometimes i do catch myself thinkinq 'holy fckn shitt .. i'm one of them .. i'm a twiliqht faqqot' ..

soo i've kept my addiction under wraps until the other day when i decided to lend the biffinqton the book since she complained she had nothinq to read when she was bored .. & today she has already finished the book & is itchinq for me to come & brinq her the 2nd one .. soo does that make us both losers ?! possibly . ORRRR it may mean that twiliqht just miqht be thaat fckn qood !! find out for yourself, btchs .

superBAD .

lmfaooo ! i could watch this fckn movie time & time aqain & still lauqh my ass off . seth is the shit; evan is hella virqinal & hilarious & mclovin is my baby daddy - seriously . me & the biffinqton can qet hellaa od bent & quote this movie all fckn daay, word to motherrrr !

anywhoo it's like 2.30am & i'm hella awake & bored outta my ass since eveyone else seems to be sleepinq; que waack . this weekend was fun, spendinq it once aqain with the biffinqton & kuku . there was a bitt of drama in the beqinninq with the couplee (they qet so overdramatic sometimes) but they qot over it & we chilled at chrizzo's crib qettin riqhtttt; i brouqht a bottle of yaqermeizer which i had never drank before soo me & dee took hella shots & topped it off with hella coronas & L's, music blaastinqq - wooppwoopp qood timeeee =D

the other niqhtt me & dee were up all fckn niqht talkinq abt how much our lives suck lol . i mean, of course we have to count our blessinqs since there are soo many others thaat are worse off but as the 20 yr mark draws nearer & the seconds tick by, we both realize that we really need to step our fckn qame up; we have the tendency to shruq everythinq off in life like fuckkkk ittt alllll & we've qotten ridiculously lazy . so we decided it was abt time we attempt to reinvent ourselves in time for the new year . now, when i say reinvent ourselves, i don't mean how we actually are as ppl cuz lord knows there have been those who have tried to do just that but i will never compromise who i am for shitttt . however, we do need to qet focused on our futures & our careers, cuz we all know a btch is trynaaa staack her $$$ ! soo anyways we're qonna make ourselves over - both physically & mentally - in hopes of easinq us into this entire new mindset . ooh & we've come up with to do lists .

• stretch everday (qotta stay limber; can't turn into a qranny just yet - i qot thinqs to do !)
  
• take a womans multivitamin daily (cuz there has to be a way to make up for all the munchiessss)
  
• qo tanninq (no worries, i'm rican; no lindsay lohan oranqe skin over hereeee )
  
• qet another piercinq (i'm thinkinq my lower lip)
  
• requlate sleepinq habits (cuz riqht now completly nocturnal)
  
• clean my fckn room (seriously, its in unspeakable ruins)
  
• qet a SECOND job (cash rules everythinq around me, btchs)
  
• qet my permit (which would lead to my license & then my own car)
  
• qet a mothafckn tattoo (bcuz sadly i am 19 & still have zip, zelch, zero, NADAAA ; que lameee)
  
• do my hairrrr (trim, anqles, banqs, recolor, maybe blue streaks =D haa cuz i'm fckn cool)

okay okay okay soo i'm sure you quys are readinq this like wtf is this dumb btch talkinq abt ?! whaat the fck does ANY of this shit have to do with chanqinq your mindset ?! well basically, we fiqure if we switch some of the more basic shit up, we'll be able to associate the chanqes with our new focused mindsets ... diqq me ?

uqh . idk . whatever . don't ask .

& on thaat note, let me just say
2oo9 is sure to be quite an interestinq yr ...
me & the biffinqton are an unstoppable force
like power ranqers =D

& we do shit like this all the time .

back like cooked craack !

ayee ayee ayee ! my baad i haven't really been on this ishh but i'm back with a couple of updates .

well halloween o8 was poppin ; i went to brooklyn to chill with the biffinqton & kuku (aka my best friend since aqe 4, danielle, & her boyfriend of 5 yrs, sunday aka my two bestest friends everrrrrr) . us & a couple of others qot hella twisted & blew hella piff & went bowlinq all fckd upp ; we had fun lol . i was alice in wonderland & dee was a sexy pirate lol niqqas was sweatin us od but ehh what else is new =P

& then of couse history was made on november 2nd with the election of barack obama as the first black president of the united states: i have mixed feelinqs on that . i mean call me crazy & maybe its just the iqnorance of the ppl that i've come across but i feel that there were waayy to many ppl who jumped on the obama bandwaqon bcuz it was considered the newest "cool thinq to do" or simply bcuz of his race . now pleaseeeeee don't qet me wronq - there's no denyinq that it is definitely a beautiful thinq that with this historic event, minorities are no lonqer have to be limited in their aspirations & that ppl all around the world can look past the color of somebody's skin & see them for their abilities . however, from my own personal experience, there were an distubinq amount of individuals that when asked "why do you feel obama should win this election" they responded simply "because he's qonna be the first black president; he's qonna make history" .. & that's it ! & i would sit there lookinq at them like .. okaayyy .. & whaat else ? i mean how could you say you stand for obama & not even be aware of the issues & where he stands on them ; such as the ecomony, the war, taxes, etc . of course i respect everyone's opinion but only if its a knowledqable one - soo kudos to the niqqas that actually watched the debates & the speeches, kept up with the news, & knew BOTH candidates viewpoints & then made their decision ; no love to the followerssss ! diqq me ?

in other news - on the day of the elections, i decided to qo & hanq out with my most recent ex for the first time ever since we broke up abt a month aqo . we were toqether on & off for like a year & a half . we've been throuqh a lot of shit & i ended up fallinq in love with him ( >:[ ) & but no matter how hard i tried to keep shit from fallinq apart, it was just little issue after little issue & shit just built up into the biq ass issue that maybe we're both just lookinq for different thinqs .. & sometimes you qotta forqet how you feel & remember what you deserve .. soo in the end i made the decision that even know i still feel for him, it was best we just be friends for now & focus on qettin our own lives toqether; if its truly meant, time means nothinq, thinqs will work out eventually . but if its not then i wouldn't wanna waste anymore time on a hopeless situation; & of course i explained all of this to him in detail .. but anywayssss i chilled with this kid & at first i was a little tiqht at myself for aqreeinq to it cuz it was a tad bit awkward . but then we blew some trees & my whole perception of the situation beqan to chanqe . pretty soon i had the "fuckk itt" in my system (ever seen kat williams ? lmao) & i ended up qivinq into the temptation that had slowly bequn to foq up my head . sooooo when it was all done, that left us in a state of "okaay now whaat ?". but when he tried to flip shit on me ("whyyy couldn't you just leave us as friends.") i was forced to brinq it to a "uhm .. we still are .. i mean, this doesnt chanqe anythinq." banqbanqbanq ! & of course i felt bad but in all truth why should i be pinned as the fckd up one since all i'm really doinq actinq like a niqqa ? i mean how many times have other females been in the same situation but then its niqqas that thinkk they can use you for the qoodies & have everythinq still be all sweet ?! how many time have i been in that same situation with this samee niqqaaa ?! like my mami told me, "who would wanna buy a cow when you can qet the milk for free ?" soo i'm wronq bcuz i did it once - okaay plz shoot me . i have needs too dammit & its better than me beinq like these other bird ass btchs & findinq some random next niqqas to fuckk withh; uhm definitley NOT, that's not how i roll . but the whole double standards thinq is old soo i'm over it & you could just suck a dick if you think i'm wronq .

anywaysssssss here a pic of me & my two loves at the bowlinq alley on halloween . hopefully more to come soon but this was the only pic i took - dee has the others & hasn't sent them to me yet; qrrrr >:[


i loveee themmmmmmm =D

i'm abt to break ..

uhm did i miss somethinq ? i'm almost positive i did . i feel like i just woke up one morninq & everyone was just like qone from my life .. i've never felt so alone .

so i'm cuttinq off all these sometime-ish "friends" i have thaat don't really qive a shit abt me .. i rather be absolutely alone than surrounded by a bunch of fakes that only care abt me when its convienent for them, diqq me ?

i swear to qod i'm still here . & i'm only human; i have feelinqs . i lonely & i cry .. a lot . while everyones pretendinq i don't exsist anymore, i'm still here - i didn't just fall off the face of this earth; i'm just tired of havinq to remind ppl of that .

for once i just wanna be an important part of somebody's life . i want to be relied on; to be needed .

(siqh) till then, just call me miss independent .

ello - vee - ee ?!

fuck hollywood . fuck them & all these stupid romantics who have somehow warped my mind into believinq that love is anythinq like what i've seen in movies & read books; FUCK that . i blame them for me sittinq here wonderinq where the fuck is my love ? when will i ever be lucky enouqh to come across someone who will be soo selfless as enouqh to put my happiness before their own & qive me everythinq they had to offer ? when will i find someone who will be patient enouqh with me to look past all my flaws & still somehow see me no less than perfect ? i'm still waitinq for someone who whispers thinqs soo sweet & sincere at such the perfect moments, i'll wonder what i did to deserve it . i want someone who won't care what anybody thinks or says about them when they hold my hand or kiss me randomly - because they want the whole world to know that we belonq to each other; someone who will look out for me & protect me when i'm too busy or careless to look out for myself ..

psh yeah riqht .

smh .

how can niqqas be so qoddamn bold ?
don't qet me wronq, i love compliments
just as much as any other qirl does;
makes me happy .

but when you cross the line into harassment
thats when shit starts qoin off .
tellinq me that i'm bad & that my ex was stupid
i can live with - even you already said it 50 times ..
but qoin ahead & sayin shit like
"make sure you wear somethinq nice so daddy can take it off."
& pushinq up behind me when i try & walk out the door
is not somethinq that i'm qonna be cool with .
& you can't blame me if spazz out a lil;
your lucky i didn't punch your fckn face in .

your UGLY, first off .
your G is hella lame - work on it .
& you have a a qirl ?! psh NO FCKN GO .
thank you, come aqain .

why would a quy even think that a qirl would respond
in any type of nice manner ?
obviously he's qot me confused with somebody else .

disturbia .

when i lay in my bed at niqht, my thoughts run soo wild that it keeps me up . its the only time i can truly shut out all interferences & influences; it is the time where ideas & emotions seem form out of thin air, without beinq provoked . its frustrates me because when i actually take some time out in my day to attempt to write, i feel as thouqh this severe & incurable case of writers block consumes me . maybe i'm tryinq too hard . maybe as i force myself to flip throuqh the paqes of my mind, i unintentionally close the book altoqether . at a time in my life when i tend to qet very lonely, i am soo desperate not to lose myself to depression as i have before . even durinq my darkest moments, my only consol was a pen & paper . i had a GIFT - everyone from my family, to my teachers, to close associates were aware of it . poems, short stories, school essays were all a breeze for me & my eloquence on paper didn't match my careless attitude in person soo i was always beinq accused of plaqiarizinq, beinq fake, or tryinq too hard to come across as formal . truth be told, i simply found it easier to express myself on paper than by speakinq, where my thouqhts tend to overwhelm me and i look for the riqht way to word thinqs .

however, as horribly juvenile as it may sound, since qraduatinq hiqh school, i have been more than reluctant to do or be involved with anythinq that could even remotley be associated with school work - which would of course include writinq . i'm afraid my mind has been steadily deterioratinq into a qiant blob of bullshit .. not meaninq that i've turned stupid, but that the brain hasn't been excersised in a hot minute . i quess that would be one of the main purposes in me creatinq this bloq; that & for me to air out my emotions & crazy thouqhts - kill two birds with one stone .

& i fiqure from now on, i'll make a habit of keepinq track of my thouqhts while i'm layinq in bed at niqht .. thank the lord for my sidekick =X


i ♥ creative minds .