i'm abt to break ..

uhm did i miss somethinq ? i'm almost positive i did . i feel like i just woke up one morninq & everyone was just like qone from my life .. i've never felt so alone .

so i'm cuttinq off all these sometime-ish "friends" i have thaat don't really qive a shit abt me .. i rather be absolutely alone than surrounded by a bunch of fakes that only care abt me when its convienent for them, diqq me ?

i swear to qod i'm still here . & i'm only human; i have feelinqs . i lonely & i cry .. a lot . while everyones pretendinq i don't exsist anymore, i'm still here - i didn't just fall off the face of this earth; i'm just tired of havinq to remind ppl of that .

for once i just wanna be an important part of somebody's life . i want to be relied on; to be needed .

(siqh) till then, just call me miss independent .

ello - vee - ee ?!

fuck hollywood . fuck them & all these stupid romantics who have somehow warped my mind into believinq that love is anythinq like what i've seen in movies & read books; FUCK that . i blame them for me sittinq here wonderinq where the fuck is my love ? when will i ever be lucky enouqh to come across someone who will be soo selfless as enouqh to put my happiness before their own & qive me everythinq they had to offer ? when will i find someone who will be patient enouqh with me to look past all my flaws & still somehow see me no less than perfect ? i'm still waitinq for someone who whispers thinqs soo sweet & sincere at such the perfect moments, i'll wonder what i did to deserve it . i want someone who won't care what anybody thinks or says about them when they hold my hand or kiss me randomly - because they want the whole world to know that we belonq to each other; someone who will look out for me & protect me when i'm too busy or careless to look out for myself ..

psh yeah riqht .

smh .

how can niqqas be so qoddamn bold ?
don't qet me wronq, i love compliments
just as much as any other qirl does;
makes me happy .

but when you cross the line into harassment
thats when shit starts qoin off .
tellinq me that i'm bad & that my ex was stupid
i can live with - even you already said it 50 times ..
but qoin ahead & sayin shit like
"make sure you wear somethinq nice so daddy can take it off."
& pushinq up behind me when i try & walk out the door
is not somethinq that i'm qonna be cool with .
& you can't blame me if spazz out a lil;
your lucky i didn't punch your fckn face in .

your UGLY, first off .
your G is hella lame - work on it .
& you have a a qirl ?! psh NO FCKN GO .
thank you, come aqain .

why would a quy even think that a qirl would respond
in any type of nice manner ?
obviously he's qot me confused with somebody else .

disturbia .

when i lay in my bed at niqht, my thoughts run soo wild that it keeps me up . its the only time i can truly shut out all interferences & influences; it is the time where ideas & emotions seem form out of thin air, without beinq provoked . its frustrates me because when i actually take some time out in my day to attempt to write, i feel as thouqh this severe & incurable case of writers block consumes me . maybe i'm tryinq too hard . maybe as i force myself to flip throuqh the paqes of my mind, i unintentionally close the book altoqether . at a time in my life when i tend to qet very lonely, i am soo desperate not to lose myself to depression as i have before . even durinq my darkest moments, my only consol was a pen & paper . i had a GIFT - everyone from my family, to my teachers, to close associates were aware of it . poems, short stories, school essays were all a breeze for me & my eloquence on paper didn't match my careless attitude in person soo i was always beinq accused of plaqiarizinq, beinq fake, or tryinq too hard to come across as formal . truth be told, i simply found it easier to express myself on paper than by speakinq, where my thouqhts tend to overwhelm me and i look for the riqht way to word thinqs .

however, as horribly juvenile as it may sound, since qraduatinq hiqh school, i have been more than reluctant to do or be involved with anythinq that could even remotley be associated with school work - which would of course include writinq . i'm afraid my mind has been steadily deterioratinq into a qiant blob of bullshit .. not meaninq that i've turned stupid, but that the brain hasn't been excersised in a hot minute . i quess that would be one of the main purposes in me creatinq this bloq; that & for me to air out my emotions & crazy thouqhts - kill two birds with one stone .

& i fiqure from now on, i'll make a habit of keepinq track of my thouqhts while i'm layinq in bed at niqht .. thank the lord for my sidekick =X


i ♥ creative minds .

i'm not broken; so don't try to fix me

okaay soo people are sayinq that i've chanqed & that's probably true . the once shy & quiet qirl who was waay too nice waay too often & afraid of what other people thouqht & said about her is lonq qone . in her place stands a [LADY] blunt & outspoken, stubborn & careless ; now i'm considered a btch but can you blame me ? the innocent can never last & i'm only a product of my environment - hate me ? join the club . i'm at a point in my life where i'm focusinq mostly on myself & what makes me happy cuz if don't nobody else will; those who don't like it can kick rocks . i do what i want when i want to & if you stand in my way theres likely to be trouble . i'm not always a btch but i am easily annoyed ; i amuse myself with my sarcasm soo if your overly sensitive or easily offended, you've been warned . when it comes down to it thouqh, i really am a naturally sweet person; hella od random with a qood sense of humor . i'm very easyqoin, not much fazes me & i brush shit off hella easy but that's not a qreen liqht to take advantaqe - i'm a firm believer in karma ; everythinq happens for a reason & whatever is meant to be will be despite whatever obstacles . i take chances & never have reqrets cuz at one point everythinq i did was exactly what i wanted soo you live & you learn, riqht ? i most definitley am not perfect & won't ever claim to be anywhere close . the two most important but suprisinqly rare qualities i respect in a person are individuality & authenticity - while you quys try to blend in i strive to stand out & nobody can ever accuse me of beinq fake ; soo say what you want cuz i know who the fck i am & i don't have to prove myself to anyone .