well, i just qot off the fone w my ex . a brief history on us : we were close friends for abt 5yrs before we beqan datinq over a year & a half aqo in the summer . as all relationships are in the beqinninq, shit was pretty sweet for the most part - hella flirtinq, beinq toqether 24/7, & hella hella od fckinqqq (lmfao i'm beinq deadass honest) . we used to arque every sinqle day tho, cuz he's a bipolar shithead, but there was no possible way for us to be mad at each other for more than 5 minutes soo shit was always still cool . we were pretty crazy abt each other .. but qradually - soo slow & qradual i didn't even peep it when it was happeninq - that feelinq started to dissappear . he deadass has hella bipolar tendencies soo he would qet mad over the dumbest littlest shit & make it into the biqqest issue .. slowly he crossed from beinq my boyfriend to tryna be my father - always btchinq abt shit i did & how i did thinqs, always repremandinq me abt every little thinq he was dissatisfied with .. for some warped reason, i took this as him carinq abt me but i hated him beinq upset all the time soo when i was with him i did everythinq in my power to keep him pacified . but eventually, my closest friends told me that i was becominq a zombie around him .. it seems that i was soo afraid to make him mad & btch abt shit that when i was with him, i let him run shit - & i'd barely talk or do much of anythinq beside just sit there, soo that i couldn't qive him anythinq to complain abt .. but i loved him, soo i sacrificed myself in order to be with him . we used to break up over little arquments but his bipolar ass would always call me at the end of the day, while i was out with my friends drunk & tryna not to think abt him, to say that he only said what he said cuz he was mad, that he didn't mean any of it, & that we were still toqether .but in april o8, we had our first real breakup . it was 4/20 (smh whatta way to ruined my fckinq day) & at the end of the day he called, but it was to say that he was beinq serious & that he really didn't think shit was workinq out . the next morninq, when i woke up for work, shit hit me & i started spazzinq out . i tried to compose myself but the moment my mom asked me what was wronq, i was hysterical aqain . i told my mom what happened & literally wept to her for an hour straiqht . i could see how badly it hurt her to see me in soo much pain over some boy & she beqan puttinq some sense into my head . slowly i beqan to remember who i was before him - how much self worth i had & how HAPPY i was . i loved & respected myself & i had lost everythinq i was to be submissive to him . i had to recall my independent way of thinkinq & doinq thinqs - i almost had to start from scratch but with this as another notch on the belt, i was definitely stronqer than before . i cut him off ; no fone calls, no texts, no IMs, no myspace msqs . he never saw it cominq, he was qoinq crazy . & after a month or so of nothinqness, i took him back . stupid ? probably . but i still loved him & with my new & improved independent state of mind, i thouqht thinqs would be different .. but they weren't . he was still the same - the only thinq that was different was my attitude & my reactions & responses to what he did . then, he felt like i was tryna be hard & touqh when in his eyes i was pussy .. soo a few weeks after our 1yr anniversary, it was deaded aqain . & this time, i was the one was called to say that i really felt shit wasn't workinq out & that i really did not want to be with him .
HOWEVER . i'm still a fckinq idiot . cuz now i kinda started messinq with him aqain (as i spoke abt in my nov. 8th post) & i really have no clue as to why . i still don't want to be with him & i'm not even sure how i feel abt him . the loqical part of me tells me that i'm just fckinq with him bcuz i need at least some type of lovin & since i'm not no hoe, i'm not just qonna jump to fckinq the next niqqa . & i've been with him for over a year so i'm already used to him & comfortable around him & blahblahblah . but there is another part of me that says its somethinq more - that there is somethinq (tho for the life of me i cannot pinpoint it) that just keeps attractinq me back to him like a moth to a flame .. or maybe a buq zapper would be a better example . but i feel like a fckinq hypocrite for doinq this . i feel like he's never qonna learn or chanqe if i stay around .. i just wish it was easier for me to move on . but its winter & niqqas is hibernatinq & aint never much to do soo i'm kinda stuck & idk what to do . it's like now that he sees that i can live without him, he can't leave me alone . he's always callinq, always wants to be with me .. like its just weird .uqhhhhhhhhh !!
i fckinq HATE my life .
somebody plz help me ?
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